A QUICK NOTE! I’m working on something new for The Science of Better readers (workshops! communities!) and I want to get it right.

So, in the next few weeks, I’m going to send you a short survey with just a few questions. I’d love to hear what you think would improve your life.

Is tech bad for me?

Actually, most tech is good for you. A century ago, housework consumed about 58 hours per week. Today, it takes just 10 hours because of dish washers and microwaves. Technologies like air conditioning and indoor toilets have saved more lives than vaccines or antibiotics.

But you’re not thinking about those kinds of technologies! You’re worried about iPhones and TikTok and Insta! Too much screen time rots the brain, right?

Well, it’s nuanced. A study of 120,000 teenagers found that some screen time is better than none, but too much can make you miserable. People who spend about two hours a day surfing online are happy — but more than three hours is linked to anxiety and self-esteem issues.

What really matters is what you are doing online. Viewing ‘upward social comparisons’ — such as posts from beautiful influencers about their awesome lives — makes us feel terrible. Also, watching ‘video shorts’ trains our brain, at the neural level, to prefer rapid stimulus switching, which makes it harder to focus and easier to feel bored.

So what kinds of online activity make us feel better?

• Looking at posts written by people we actually know. Like, in real life. And then having a conversation with them in the comments.

• Learning something real (“what is turbulence?”). Bonus: You can’t learn something real in a video short! It usually has to be longer than 30 seconds!

• Watching something that makes you laugh. Or watching a documentary. Or a show you love.

• Basically, anything except short videos fed to you by an algorithm. When you make choices about what you see, you’re happy. When you abandon that choice to Facebook, you aren’t.

But how do I spend less time online? It’s hard!

First, you don’t have to change everything: Partial tech detoxes are just as effective as going cold turkey.

The key is to choose a few times, each day, when you won’t check your phone. And most important: Decide what you will do instead. (“Today, when I’m at lunch, I’ll read my novel instead of checking IG — so I need to carry a book with me.”)

Another important tip: DO NOT CHARGE YOUR PHONE IN YOUR BEDROOM. Tons of studies show that smartphone use in bed makes it harder to fall asleep, raises your heart rate, and injects adrenaline and cortisol into your bloodstream. So power up in your office or the hallway and you’ll sleep better.

Other science-backed tips:

• ​Set your phone to grayscale. It makes everything just a little bit more boring, and thus less alluring.

• Move social apps to the third slide of your home screen. Or bury them in a folder.

• Make a “whoever uses their phone first pays for drinks” rule.

• Get a device like a halo or the Brick that disables certain apps in specific places (no IG in my bedroom) or on a specific schedule (no email before 9 am).

• Try Screen Zen (sets time limits on certain apps), One Sec (forces you to take a breath, or explain why your going on social media, before opening an app), Clear Space (complete a centering exercise before opening an app) or Opal (sets app use rules and gives you a daily score measuring sleep, focus and screen time).

Finally (and strangely), don’t assume more outdoor time will cut down on phone use. One study tracking GPS location and phone data found that smartphone activity increased during visits to parks. Why? Because it’s easier to get bored in nature.

The lesson is: Don’t just abandon your phone. Instead, choose something else to do — and plan for it. (Remember when everyone used to carry a magazine?)

Okay, but what if I want to go genuinely hardcore?

If you really feel like your phone is taking over your life, you should get a Light Phone III (I got one for my kid). It has all the basics of a smartphone, like music and maps and texting. But it can’t host social media apps (and even if it did, they would look terrible.) You’d be surprised how easy it is to transition.

Or, you could always move to Green Bank, West Virginia — a federally mandated cell-phone dead zone, established in 1958, to protect a radio telescope. It’s become a vacation spot for people who say they are allergic to electromagnetic signals. And its the only place in America where being offline isn’t a personal choice — it’s the law. (To learn what it’s like to live there, check out this reddit thread.)

How do you limit your tech use? Are you worried you use your phone too much? (Or are you like, ahh, this is an overblown anxiety?) Let me know in the comments!

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A Hollywood super agent describing celebrity tantrums? Stories of financial hijinks amid A-list bumbleheads? And, best of all, co-written with Pulitzer prize winner J. R. Moehringer, who wrote Andre Aggasi’s Open? C’mon. This is going to be amazing. (Get it September 22.)

Why do we connect easily with some people, but not others? How can we can create stronger bonds faster? Let Wharton professor Adam Grant take you on a tour of astronauts who dislike each other, comedy troupes that avoid one another, and a band that fights like crazy — and how that makes them connect even better. (Get it October 13.)

From the author of Station Eleven and Sea of Tranquility, a novel about what happens during the first spring after the collapse of the United States in 2031. (Get it September 15.)

One of my favorite writers, David Epstein, explains how all of us —individuals, businesses, institutions, even societies — can benefit from narrowing our options. Sometimes we make our best choices when we don’t have the freedom to make any choice we want. (Already published!)

When the robot overlords finally defeat humanity, we’ll realize it all began when Microsoft’s AI Chatbot tried to convince New York Times columnist Kevin Roose to abandon his marriage. The inside story of OpenAI, Google DeepMind and Anthropic. (Get it October 6.)

As Jon Ronson’s only child is lured to a mysterious castle in the forest, he sends his dad on an adventure examining modern masculinity, how men desperately search for purpose and control, and why two recently released murderers really want to talk to him. (Get it September 1.)

One of my favorite researchers, Nicholas Epley from the University of Chicago, asks why we choose so often to be unsocial, and how to seize the small, unexpected moments that allow us to connect with almost anyone. (Available now!)

Annie Jacobsen previously wrote a book about what would happen if there was a nuclear war. Just in case that didn’t freak you out enough, now she’s doing the same thing with an even scarier weapon. (Get it July 28.)

I have no idea if this book will be any good, but it sounds sufficiently crazy: Taylor Sheridan, creator of the TV shows Landman and Yellowstone has teamed up with an ex-con to write a survival guide to life inside a maximum-security prison. (Get it June 23.)

And, just for fun, a few podcasts you might have missed:

Look for an episode about a song you love, and sit back and enjoy. I personally recommend the episodes about “Birdhouse in Your Soul“ and Vampire Weekend.

I feel like no one really talked about Season 5 of Michael Lewis’s podcast tracing the story behind how sports betting became legalized in the U.S., but it’s fantastic. Start with episode one or jump to hearing about how DraftKings treats (or mistreats) its VIPs.

What are you reading or listening to that you love? Let us know in the comments!

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If you enjoyed my books, please consider writing a review. (They work!)

The first rule of negotiating is don’t talk about you should talk about negotiating.

There have been some odd negotiations in history:

• In 193 AD the Roman Empire’s Praetorian Guard murdered the emperor and put the entire empire up for auction. A wealthy senator won by bribing the soldiers, took the throne, and then proved so unpopular he was executed 66 days later. Buyer’s remorse!

• In the early 1960s, tractor magnate Ferruccio Lamborghini complained to Enzo Ferrari that the clutch in his brand new 250 Ferrari GT was garbage. Ferrari said the real problem was that Lamborghini didn’t know how to drive, and should stick with riding animals. So Lamborghini founded a competing sports-car company that, today, rivals Ferrari in car sales.

• In 1788, Austria soldiers got into a drunken argument over a barrel of schnapps. Then one of the fueders fired a shot and somebody else confusedly yelled “Turks!” and the entire army began fighting itself for hours. Over 1000 Austrian soldiers were killed before they realized the mistake.

In each instance, a bit more preparation probably could have helped. Studies show that when people take a moment before a negotiation to set their priorities, decide when they will walk away and reflect on a time they felt powerful, they tend to perform better. Timing also matters: research shows people tend to be more generous on sunny days, and that judges tend to be more lenient in the morning after they’ve had a nice breakfast, rather than before lunch, when they’re hangry.

Even some brief small talk and pleasantries with your counterparty before a negotiation significantly increases the likelihood of reaching an agreement. And subtly mirroring the other person’s language — especially early in a negotiation — can dramatically improve the outcome: In one study, negotiators who mimicked their counterpart’s wording in the first 10 minutes earned significantly more than everyone else.

Okay, but how about when I’m buying a car?

Car negotiations are often won or lost on emotional control. Salespeople will often exaggerate their emotional reactions — acting offended or frustrated — in the hopes of triggering your emotions and making rational thought harder. It’s useful to go car shopping at the end of the month (and ideally during a rainstorm, when showrooms are empty), because a salesperson’s quota and bonus are on a ticking clock. (The last week of December is particularly great.) Be willing to walk out — and actually walk out at least once. And the “silent treatment” works: After they quote a price, just ... don’t say anything. Furrow your brow slightly. Studies show salespeople will often keep talking and start negotiating against themselves to fill the silence.

What if I’m negotiating for a raise?

Haggle early. People who negotiate a higher salary when they are hired earn an average of 18.83% more that their peers. But 55% of job candidates don’t even try. When you negotiate, ask for a precise, non-round number (like $108,750), rather than a broad range, and share your data (“I called other companies, and three employees said they earned an average of $110,000 for this role.”) Be firm in what you want, but collaborative in how you communicate it. And remember that loss aversion can work in your benefit: Once a company has made an offer, they are more psychologically motivated to avoid losing you than to save a relatively small amount of money by turning down your slightly higher ask.

And all those subscriptions? (Gym! Netflix! Phone!) Is there a way to negotiate them down?

Yes! The key is to threaten to leave. Because companies know that retaining a customer is cheaper than acquiring a new one, they’ll often discount your subscription if you just ask. When it comes to exercise, timing matters: gyms are more likely to offer discounts at the end of the month or during slower seasons like summer, when demand drops. Ask to speak with a manager, not a salesperson, since managers typically have more authority to waive fees. Finally, figure out if a subscription actually makes sense: In a study of nearly 8,000 gym members, most people chose monthly plans costing $70+ but only went about 4.8 times per month, effectively paying $17 per visit — when it would have cost them just $10 per visit if they paid a la carte.

And travel? Any way to get cheaper rooms?

Hotel negotiations are less about “haggling” and more about how and when you ask. First, find the best rate at discount sites online — but then make the reservation directly with the hotel and demand they match the online price and throw in perks like late check-out. (Hotels make significantly more money when you book with them directly, so they have more incentive to bargain.) And remember timing matters: call before 11:00, when check-outs get busy, or after 6:00, when check-ins slow down, so you can cajole the front desk staff when they’re not overwhelmed. Those staffs usually have the most price flexibility the day before or day of check-in, when they are motivated to fill empty rooms. And, lastly, studies show politeness is a powerful tactic: the staff isn’t pocketing the profits, and so if you’re friendly, you’re more likely to get a discount.

(Also, it turns out you can negotiate over furniture prices and here’s a few tactics for haggling about your medical bills.)

How do I negotiate at home? Like, with my spouse?

In a marriage, emotions and long-term stakes are always in play, and so the best negotiation stance is to frame issues as shared problems to solve, rather than a fight with winners and losers. Marriage therapists say there’s a structure for this: Let each person fully express their concerns without interruption, then the other person reflects back, and then brainstorm together solutions (rather than, say, jumping straight to compromise). And remember the “golden ratio”: When we say at least 3 positive things to every 1 negative thing, it increases trust and makes these kinds of discussions feel a lot easier.

What about with my kids?

Teaching kids to negotiate for, say, their allowance is great: Studies show we start developing haggling instincts at about age five. But to really teach them how, model the right behavior: Focus on underlying goals, rather than specific demands (“if you refuse to wear this hat in a blizzard, what’s another way to keep your head warm?”); Ask lots of questions (“why do you think you need $100 a week? Let’s figure out how much lunch actually costs”); Let them anchor the conversation, which gives them a sense of control and also teaches the danger of anchoring too low or too high (“do you really think asking for a 1:00 am curfew makes me think it’s a good idea for you to have that much freedom?”); And talk about fairness (”why did you give yourself the chocolate cake and your brother the broccoli?“), because helping kids develop an accurate sense of fairness guides so much of what we’re willing to accept or turn down later in life.

When’s the last time you negotiated for something? Did it work? What was your best negotiation? Let us know in the comments!

A good mentor can make a huge difference (in a career, in life, with happiness ...)

The word ‘mentorship’ comes from The Odyssey, where the goddess Athena disguises herself as ‘Mentor’ to guide Odysseus’s punk son, Telemachus, away from bad choices. Mentorship, back then, wasn’t about career advice — it was about instilling “menos,” or mental strength. (Telemachus, like any moody teenager, was “napios” or disconnected. The mentor’s job, then, is to reconnect a protégé intellectually, morally and emotionally to their purpose in life.)

And mentorship — whether at work or amid teenaged ennui — works! In one study of PhD students, researchers found the impact of having a strong mentor wasn’t much visible during school, but once those protégés graduated, they were significantly more likely to find great jobs, be more creative and mentor students of their own. (And employees with mentors at work are five times more likely to get promoted.)

There are lots of famous mentor/mentee relationships: Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg, as well as Steven Spielberg and J.J. Abrams (even Ray Dalio and P. Diddy). Einstein was pretty smart, but he also needed a mentor.

The best mentorships, studies say, aren’t just about making introductions or giving advice. Rather, the best mentors provide scaffolding: they demonstrate how to set realistic goals, they celebrate small wins and offer support after setbacks, they model how to be more ambitious and push yourself farther. One critical element: The best mentorships usually, sometime in the first six months, explicitly set out expectations — what each person will do, how often you’ll meet, what success looks like — and they periodically revisit those expectations.

Sounds great. But how do I find a mentor or a protégé?

To find a mentor: Obviously, bosses, professors and successful friends-of-your-parents are a great place to start. But the most powerful mentors often come from ‘loose ties’: Friends-of-friends, people we randomly meet at a conference, someone we email on a whim. Why? Because they tend to have access to networks and opportunities we’re not even aware of. (So start lurking on LinkedIn and reviewing membership directories of professional organizations.)

If you’re hoping someone will become a mentor for you start with a small request. One paper found the most successful mentor solicitations involve: (1) identifying your goals before asking for a meeting; (2) building a team rather than a single advisor (a career mentor, a technical mentor, a peer mentor, etc.); (3) initiating the request with a short, specific ask (”30 minutes, here’s the problem I’m working on, I think your perspective on X would help”); (4) treat mentoring as reciprocal — bring energy, follow through, report back — and explain why you admire them and what you hope to learn from them. And don’t get discouraged if someone passes.

To find a protégé: Don’t begin with a big formal “I want to mentor you” conversation — rather, begin by noticing, checking in, and offering help, and let the relationship grow. When choosing someone to mentor, focus on value alignment, rather than similarities: One big study found no support for the assumption that shared gender, race, or ethnicity predicts mentorship quality; what predicted quality was shared attitudes, beliefs, and values.

And once you become a mentor, read this survey of mentorship tactics among senior scientists that offers concrete tips: be available (the number one complaint mentees raise); be an active listener — ask questions rather than deliver monologues; set clear expectations in writing; give honest, specific feedback early; be patient with pace; celebrate successes; let go when the mentee is ready.

Lastly, remember that this relationship should be mutually beneficial. Strong mentorships grow from reciprocity, so even early on, everyone should be thinking about how both people can provide value — whether by bringing ideas, perspectives, or interesting discussions to the relationship — rather than the protégé being solely a recipient, and the mentor nothing but an oracle.

But there’s some mentorships that get crazy, right?

Oh, yeah, there’s some weird mentorships. One study found that more than 50% of mentees report having a “negative mentoring experience”. Other research has documented mentorships that tip into bullying, sabotage, and — in a surprisingly non-trivial number of cases — stalking. So, that’s something to avoid.

Some other odd mentorships include an incident in 1999 when Jack Welch paired 500 GE senior executives with 20-something employees to teach them the internet (the LOLz were ... not very LOL). During World War II, John von Neumann mentored a generation of American physicists, including some — like Klaus Fuchs — who were simultaneously spying for the Soviets. Warren Buffett has said one of his most important mentor was Philip Fisher, whom he met only a handful of times, and his partner Charlie Munger’s father, whom he never met at all. In 1909, leaders of the Theosophical Society began mentoring a child named Jiddu Krishnamurti and eventually declared him the messiah. (Krishnamurti, unimpressed, dissolved the Society once he was its leader.)

That said, there’s also heartwarming mentorships: Older meerkats mentor pups by disabling scorpions and then presenting them to pups to practice on. (Which is nice for the meerkats, but less nice for the scorpions.) And Mr. Rogers received thousands of letters from children and adults who described him as their mentor. He answered almost every one personally (often 50 to 100 letters a day!). After his death, Fred Rogers Productions continued the correspondence using Fred’s own letter templates, making him a mentor from the great beyond.

Do you have a mentor? Or a protégé? Who has made a difference in your life — and how did you thank them? Let us know in the comments!

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I want my home to look awesome. What should I know?

If you’re home is a little cramped, it’s helpful to use “optical design illusions”: If you paint the walls, trim and ceiling the same color, it makes the room feel bigger. So do reflective surfaces (mirrors, glossy finishes, shiny tile) that bounce around light. Furniture with visible legs make a room feel more open and, paradoxically, a sofa or chair that isn’t pushed against the wall makes a space feel more expansive.

When it comes to decorating, pay attention to ‘layering’ your lighting: Instead of relying on a single overhead fixture, designers aim for at least four light sources, which creates a sense of depth and multiple focal points. (One study found that six light sources, each aimed in a different direction, convinced people that a room was 20% larger.)

In your bedroom, for instance, keep the overhead light fixture — but then add lights on either side of the bed that aim up and down, and another across the room at eye level. Voila: the room feels elevated and cozy. The color of the light also matters: cool-white lightbulbs suppress melatonin, while warmer bulbs help you fade into sleep.

Finally, think about scents: Research shows a room’s smell dramatically affects how large it feels. Fresh, light scents (citrus, pine) make spaces feel open; heavy scents make the walls press in. Hotels have exploited this for decades. (And hospitals often smell like vanilla because Memorial Sloan Kettering found it reduced patient anxiety by 63% during MRI scans.)

All that said, the best scent for sleeping, it turns out, is something infused with the smell of your romantic partner. So grab their old t-shirt before getting in bed.

Okay, but I’ve got all this clutter! How do I get rid of all this stuff?

Clutter is in the eye of the beholder (why would I toss this broken mug I once loved in college?). But the costs are real: A UCLA study found that the more cluttered a home, the higher the cortisol levels of the people living there. (This effect was particularly strong among women, and weaker in men, which is why he keeps taking that mug out of the trash.)

Clutter accumulates because we’re prone to the “endowment effect“: once we own something, we irrational overvalue it. And we often fall prey to the “just in case illusion“ — studies show we overestimate how often we’ll use an item in the future while, in reality, most things kept for this reason are never touched again.

One solution is changing your mindset. Instead of asking yourself a guilt-filled question like “what can I get rid of?” (if I throw away this 12-year-old lump of clay, do I really love my children?) instead ask “what do I enjoy enough to keep?”

And then, there’s the ‘container method‘: Choose a box or a shelf, fill it with your kid’s artwork or vacation souvenirs, and toss anything that doesn’t fit. Easy peasy. (Another favorite is the ‘would you clean poop off this item to keep it?‘ test, which is surprisingly effective.)

Let’s talk about my office. What interior design tricks will make me more productive, successful and wealthy?

That’s kind of a high bar, but there’s some stuff that will help you get your work done. First, put your desk as close to a window as possible. Studies show workers with access to natural light experience less daytime sleepiness, higher alertness and more creative problem solving.

Also, temperature matters more than you realize. A meta-analysis of 35 studies found that temperatures above 77° Fahrenheit, after just an hour, consistently make us slower, and hurt accuracy on cognitively demanding tasks. Another study found that women tend to perform better on verbal and math tasks at higher temperatures, while men perform better in cooler environments.

Last of all, personalize your work space. When the University of Exeter ran experiments comparing “minimalist” offices with “enriched” spaces (filled with plants and artwork), they found people in enriched offices were 17% more productive. But the biggest productivity boost was among workers who were free to design their spaces however they liked: That autonomy made them 32% more productive, with no increase in errors. (There were, however, an increase in disturbing bobble heads on desks.)

Finally, if you are looking for cool stuff to put on your own desk, I have one recommendation: The 2026 Japanese Stationary Store Awards. (My favorite is the Sonic Digitox Smartphone Time Lock Case.)

What’s your favorite piece of furniture? How did you buy your last piece of art? Let us know in the comments below!

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What is charisma? And how do I get it?

Charisma comes from the Greek kharisma, meaning “divine gift,” which is indicative of how it was seen for most of history: A spiritual gift or power granted by God.

Today, of course, we know charisma is a learnable skill — anyone can become more charismatic. And everyone from the CIA to Harvard Business School to The Atlantic magazine has explored the formula for ‘rizz’.

Researchers say charisma has three pillars: Presence, Power, and Warmth. Presence is being fully engaged with another person (charismatic people tend to ask more questions). Power is confidence without obvious self-doubt (which is often conveyed, paradoxically, through self-effacing jokes and vulnerable disclosures). Warmth comes from showing kindness and acceptance (demonstrating empathy, in particular, is critical). Most of all, charismatic people tend to communicate in ways that feel emotional, clear, and grounded in values, not just facts.

How we talk also matters: Prosody — the musical aspects of speech’s rhythm, emphasis, and timing — are small, almost unconscious signals that listeners use to infer confidence, passion and competence. The key is variety: when our voice moves up and down an octave scale (what’s known as ‘the fundamental frequency‘), and when the pace of our words, as well as our volume, changes as we speak, others see us as worth listening to.

It’s important to remember, however, that charisma has a curvilinear effect: it helps to a point, and then starts to backfire. Among leaders, no more than 60 percent of conversations should be ‘charismatic’. Beyond that, the leader starts to seem less trustworthy or less competent.

If you want videos of charisma on display, some of the best examples are street performers, magicians, preachers and politicians (including Ronald Reagan and John F. Kennedy).

Will charisma help my love life? And make me more popular? What, specifically, should I do?

Often times, particularly in affairs of the heart, charisma means similarity.

​One study looked at couples meeting for the first time and found the more people mirrored each other’s body language, energy and focus (”You love puppies? So do I!”), the more they rated each other as sexually attractive. (Simply swaying your body similarly can boost allure.) Studies show we tend to be drawn to “super-synchronizers“: People who demonstrate they are in-sync with our emotions and interests by asking follow-up questions, reflecting back the feelings they hear (”that sounds really hard”) and echoing our smiles, gestures and facial expressions.

So, if your date tells a joke, say something funny yourself. (Spontaneous humor is particularly important because it signals alluring traits like creativity and mental agility.) If your date says something emotional, respond with a disclosure of your own. (This is known as reciprocal vulnerability, and it’s at the core of how we build trust.)

In other words, stereotypical “charisma” — clever lines, dazzling confidence, practiced charm — doesn’t predict romantic attachment. Rather, showing you are attuned to another person, responding to their signals and genuinely caring about their experiences creates attraction, both during a date and in long-term relationships. (This kind of charisma is highly associated with better sex lives in marriages.)

The same skills also work on our friends. Studies show that our most ‘charismatic’ friendships are with people who engage in reciprocal candor, are enthusiastic to discuss mutual interests, and are funny. We’re most likely to be drawn to people who are emotional expressive, show genuine warmth (which earns trust and makes people feel safe), and exude positive energy.

Okay, but what about at work? How do I make my emails more persuasive? How should I rizz up meetings?

​Pay attention to spam. Researchers say the most persuasive and charismatic emails rely on four tactics: First, they personalize the sender by emphasizing that you are a real person (”I had an idea while eating breakfast this morning”). Next, they are personalized for the recipient by mentioning shared concerns or memories. Third, they ask a question fairly early, which draws readers in. Lastly, it creates urgency. In spam, this means clichés like “Hurry!” or “Time is running out!” But in a personal email, urgency might be something like “I was hoping to get an answer by later today.”

And persuasive emails are brief. Limiting a message to just 25 to 50 words increases reply rates by up to 65%.

When it comes to meetings, studies show that most influence doesn’t occur during the gathering itself, but rather emerges before anyone enters the room. One researcher found that the most persuasive and charismatic executives always seem to know, before a meeting starts, who will support them, who might object, and what concerns need to be addressed ahead of time, usually because they have back-channeled with attendees one-on-one. (In Japan, executives are evaluated on their “nemawashi“, or “cultivating the roots,” the habit of talking to peers before a meeting and categorizing people as decision-makers, likely skeptics, or potential allies.)

When it comes to public speaking, it’s worth remembering that charisma on a stage often comes from leaning into your natural instincts. Introverts are more persuasive when their speeches focus on thoughtfulness, depth, preparation, and genuine connection. Extroverts are more charismatic when they are energetic and entertaining. If you’re nervous about speaking, the best way to prepare is to memorize your opening, choose at least one story you want to tell, and practice pausing mid-sentence, which helps when you need a moment to think about what to say next.

What makes you most charismatic friends so likable? Let me know in the comments!

If you want more money, pay more attention to money

I love talking about money — in part because talking about money means I’m thinking about money. And I get better at the things I think about. (And worse at things I avoid.)

​One meta-study found that nudging yourself to think about money — simply, say, tracking spending and bank balances each week — significantly reduces spending and increases savings. (Why? Because if you’re interacting with the numbers, it’s impossible not to see the trends.)

Luckily, there’s lots of ways to track money. I use Simplifi ($72/yr) to pull my bank balances and credit card transactions into one place. Other options include Tiller ($79/yr - here’s a helpful video), Monarch Money ($100/yr) and Copilot Money ($95/yr). (RIP Mint.)

But an app isn’t enough. You need something that pushes you to interact with your finances. (I have a spreadsheet I update by hand every week. There’s a simplified version you can copy here.)

The key is to play with the data — type in figures, look at the totals, tell yourself a story about what happened. Messy and noticed is better than clean and ignored. (This is known as ‘creating data disfluency‘.)

I need a budget, right?

Yes — but your budget doesn’t need to be particularly accurate at first.

Budgets are important because they prompt us to make decisions in advance (when it’s easier to make the right choice), and to see if we’re succeeding or falling behind in our goals. (They also make us less anxious.)

The best budgets are perpetual works-in-progress: One study of 350 million transactions found that people who set unrealistic budgets still spent 22% less than people with no budget at all.

There’s lots of easy systems for setting a budget: The 50/30/20 Rule devotes roughly half your monthly income toward essentials like rent and food, 30% for fun, and 20% toward savings. The Envelope System consists of putting some cash in multiple envelopes on the first of the month (rent, food, drinks with friends) — and when the envelope is empty, you know you need to stop. (You can also do this with multiple bank accounts.)

Or, there are online resources. Google Sheets has a monthly budget template. There’s a bunch of other useful templates here. All those apps I mentioned can create and track budgets. And if you are looking for advice on how to start, I recommend spending some time on Reddit. (The first comment is particularly helpful.)

But what’s most important isn’t creating the perfect budget. Rather, you should be interacting with your imperfect, work-in-progress budget, and your behavior will start to change.

But there’s shortcuts, right? I got an email saying if I buy crypto/gold/weird financial options/AI stocks/girl scout cookies RIGHT NOW! I can double my money.

I think you already know the answer to this question.

That said, there are some tips that are useful:

• You almost certainly have zombie subscriptions. Subee is a good way to identify them ($79/yr). The best strategy, however, is downloading all your credit card transactions, sorting by payee, and looking for what (sneakily) repeats each month.

• HAVE A MONEY FRIEND. Choose someone to talk about money with every week. Then be honest with them. You’ll feel less anxious and save more.

• Make saving into a game: The 100 envelope challenge will net you $5,050 in 100 days.

• Read random reddit posts (and newsletters) about money. Studies show that financially literate people accumulate significantly more wealth — and literacy comes from reading and trying stuff. (It’s okay to ask dumb questions.)

• Before any big purchase, make yourself wait 24 hours. You’ll be surprised how easy it is to forget about the purchase. (And by the same token: decide in the morning, when temptations and hunger aren’t present, what you’ll buy for lunch and dinner.)

• Don’t invest in anything you have learned about on TikTok, YouTube or most of Reddit. It’s not going to work. Just invest in index funds.

What’s your favorite financial tactic? What are you saving up for? Let me know in the comments!

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Procrastination is not about time management — it’s about emotional regulation.

When we avoid a task, we’re not being lazy; we’re escaping an uncomfortable feeling (anxiety, boredom, self-doubt, fear of failure). The procrastination brings immediate relief, creating a ‘procrastination loop’.

So how do we end this loop?

• Do the first, smallest step. The hardest moment isn’t the work itself, but shifting into the uncertainty of how to start. (What should this newsletter be about? Oh, look, Wordle!) To make the shift easier, choose just one small task. (I’m going to look at questions I’ve gotten from readers.)

• Have a ‘procrastination list’. Sometimes we need a break. So I always have a list of tasks that need to get done (rent a car for Florida, see what concerts are coming up) that feel like a mini-break, but also need to happen.

• Engage in ‘temptation bundling’: Pair an unpleasant task with something genuinely enjoyable. (I hate running, so I watch action movies on the treadmill. I highly recommend Extraction 2 — and by ‘recommend’ I mean there is no discernible plot, but lots of explosions to distract you from the pain in your knees.)

The right kind of to-do list matters

When Harvard scientists tested four different approaches to improving focus and productivity, they found the best method was the “do one thing approach”.

It’s okay to have a long list of tasks — a ‘memory list’.

But that should not be your to-do list. Studies show it triggers a ‘need for cognitive closure’: You’re likely to choose an easy but unimportant item from the list because it makes you feel good to cross it off.

Research says there’s a better way. Each morning, create a to-do list with just one entry: The most important thing for that day. That’s it.

If you get that done, you can look at your memory list, and use it to write a new to-do list, with (again) just one entry. The goal is to force yourself to make a choice and do the most important task (rather than chasing the thrill you get from immediate but meaningless busy-ness.)

Other miscellaneous suggestions:

Studies show if you have a strong view of your future-self, you’ll procrastinate less, save more money, and behave more ethically. The key is vividness: Imagine what it feels like to finish that project, or cross the finish line, or close that deal. Spend a few minutes writing down, or imagining, what it sounds like, what you’re dressed in, the specific emotions — and you’ll find motivation increasing.

Or just work alongside someone else, even virtually. “Body doubling” — working in the presence of another person, even without interacting — has been a staple of ADHD communities for years. You don’t have to talk to each other — just knowing someone is there, also working, activates dopamine pathways linked to motivation.

Finally, try a little self-compassion, rather than self-criticism. One study found that students who forgave themselves for procrastinating on a first exam subsequently procrastinated less on the second one. But students who were hard on themselves showed no such improvement. Why? Because self-criticism triggers shame and anxiety — which reinforces the procrastination loop. So take it easy on yourself, and figure out the first, small step for next time.

How do you stop yourself from procrastinating? Let me know in the comments!

Valentine’s Day and kissing have weird origins — but both work because they encourage ‘savoring’.

Valentine’s Day might seem sweet, but its roots are surprisingly dark: Historians trace the holiday to Lupercalia, an ancient Roman festival involving animal sacrifice, where men wore fresh hides to demonstrate their (very smelly) verility. The holiday’s name comes from St. Valentine, who was beaten to death and then decapitated. So, it makes sense that we now celebrate with chocolates and flirting.

Kissing, thankfully, has cheerier origins: All sorts of animals kiss, and researchers believe it evolved from early caregiving behaviors, like breastfeeding, and persists because getting face-to-face provides valuable clues about a potential mate’s health (bad breath?) and empathy/aggression (is he a soft kisser?)

But most important, and the reason kissing and dates are fun is because of what psychologists refer to as ‘anticipation’ and ‘savoring’. Researchers distinguish between ‘proactive savoring’ (leaning in to initiate a kiss) and ‘reactive savoring’ (kissing back, and slowing down to make it last). Romance occurs when we experience excited/anxious anticipation and then both kinds of savoring: So if you work up the courage to go for a smooch, and are hoping for fireworks, take it slow when they respond.

But what if I’m single on Valentine’s Day? (Actually, that’s a good thing!)

It’s great to be single on Valentine’s Day. In fact, we more likely to find a meaningful sense of romance when we’re feeling independent.

Researchers have found that single people experience just as much love and passion in their daily lives as couples. In one experiment, volunteers at a retirement home asked residents about their love lives. For retirees, recalling past flings was as satisfying as a new liaison. More important, volunteers found that listening to romantic stories — whether the listener was single or in a relationship — satisfied their passion needs (and made them feel wonderful) more than a date. (Rom-coms can do the same thing.) Why? Because when we’re in control of our emotions, it’s easier to give them free rein. Independence lets us swoon even deeper.

So, why not engage in a little self love? One study found that writing a compassionate letter to your future self — or a platonic friend — offers benefits that last for months. If you’re more into e-mail, you can use FutureMe.org.

And, of course, some varieties of self love are especially easy and satisfying — and less time consuming than dinner and a movie.

Okay, but I’ve been married for an eternity. What should I do to keep the spark alive?

Give your brains goal-directed novelty.

In 2005, researchers examined the brains of people in new relationships and found that simply viewing a partner’s face activated dopamine-rich motivation circuits — the same regions involved in goal pursuit. Early love isn’t really an emotion. It’s a drive, a form of focused attention and shared goals that excite us to act because they’re new.

Over time, these motivations fade. (Your lovers face, alas, just becomes a face.) But the spark is re-ignited when we encounter something that triggers a fresh sense of focused attention, shared goals and excitement. (That’s why you are friskier on an exciting trip.) So, find a new hobby (anyone for a kissing class?) Or slip an unexpected candy bar into their coat pocket. As we get older, we’re just as likely to fall (and stay) in love as youngsters — as long as we’re doing something new.

Scrambling for a Valentine’s Day gift? We can help! Want to press those flowers you got? Here’s how! What are you planning for this evening? Let me know in the comments below!

The happiest nations are the ones with the darkest winters. (Which forces everyone to get social.)

According to the ​2025 World Happiness Report​, Finland is the happiest country on earth. The other top nations are all nearby: Denmark, Iceland, Sweden and the Netherlands. What do they all have in common? They’re really cold in the winter — which means people have to count on each other.

In Finland, for instance, when the dark days of February approach, people start ​planning regular get togethers in advance​. (There’s a saying: “Build the sauna, then the house.”) In the Netherlands, people are encouraged to ​leave work earlier​ in the winter so they can see friends on their way home. In Sweden, ​communal coffee breaks​, known as a fika, are so critical for productivity they’re written into employment contracts.

All these tactics point to the same insight: You know this month is going to be rough. So fight the February blues by spending time with other people. (But that won’t happen on it’s own — you have to schedule it.)

But how do I schedule socialization? It’s really hard to go outside.

Plan for the daylight hours, and make those plans specific.

In Iceland nearly the entire nation participates in monthly book exchanges known as ​Jólabókaflóð​ (literal translation: “Christmas Book Flood”) that often feature dance parties, comedy shows and piles of cookies and cakes. In Basel, the city hosts a three-day February extravaganza, ​Basler Fasnacht​, which is like Rio Carnival and Mardi Gras combined, but in polar fleece (and with even more nudity, which is impressive). On the northern coast of Scotland, cities ​burn Viking longships​ on the last Tuesday in January and cheer on the flames.

Research says these kinds of activities work because the best winter plans follow a formula: ​connection + movement + light​ (walking and chatting with a friend in the winter sun is better than having coffee inside). And it doesn’t have to be long: the correct “dose”, according to studies, is just 15 minutes.

Finally, remember that winter plans die in the dark. Build around the sunlight. (”Let’s meet at 1:30” is better than “Let’s meet after work.”)

But what can I do when I’m alone?

There’s a clinical name for the winter blues: Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as SAD (to which I say: Nice job with the acronym, scientists).

Studies say SAD can be battled through a number of techniques, including:

• “​Dawn simulation​“ via bright morning lights. There’s lots of ‘​sunrise alarm clocks​‘ that can nudge your brain into thinking that spring is near. Exposure to bright light after waking up triggers neurotransmitters associated with happiness — and makes it easier to fall asleep later.

• “​High-density negative air ionization​“ has been shown to have antidepressant effects and fight SAD in clinical studies. I agree this idea sounds kooky — the air makes you happier! — but researchers say it works. The key is using a ‘high-density’ device, like ​this one​ or ​that one​.

• Consistent sleep patterns are critical. Your body wants to ​change your sleep schedule​ when there’s less daylight, but that screws up emotional regulation and physical health. So have a firm schedule of when you will put away your phone, turn off the lights, get into bed, and wake up. It can take a few evenings for your body to adapt — but the consistency works.

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What’s your winter hack? Let me know in the comments!

And, I had an article in the New Yorker about what scientists say about why MAGA has succeeded as a movement — and what the Democrats should learn. ​Check it out!​

If you enjoyed my books, please consider ​writing a review.​ (They work!)

Frigid nations have this all figured out. Let’s steal their best ideas.

In Norway, where winter sunlight only lasts about seven hours, some towns install ​large mirrors on mountainsides​ to reflect sunlight into the town square — which has the additional benefit of nudging everyone to gather together and socialize. (So install some mirrors near your windows, and bounce them to where everyone can meet.)

In Siberia, one of the coldest and darkest places on earth, people spend winters eating ​stroganina​: raw, paper-thin slices of frozen fish (​think popsicle sashimi​) because oily fish can provide the vitamin D you normally get from the sun. Or, try eating ​UV-exposed mushrooms​, which transmit some of the sun’s health to your gut.

In Japan, it’s common for wintry households to break out a ​Kotatsu table​: a wooden frame with an internal electric heater and a huge blanket to trap the heat. (That’s a photo of a Kotatsu table above.) People love these things (some people sleep under them), and you can order them for just a ​few hundred bucks​. (Or you can get a really nice one for ​a bit more​.)

But how do I stay connected to people? It’s too cold to see anyone!

Social interaction is very important during winter months. And so it’s critical that you plan your socialization.

Studies show ​just 15 minutes of talking​ can do the trick — so schedule a quick zoom with your bestie. Or go asynchronous and start sending ​voice chats​ to each other. (​Marco Polo​ makes it easy.)

Or find a ​group hobby​ you can do online: ​Wplace.live​ lets artsy types create together by changing one pixel at a time. ​GeoGuessr​ make you feel like you’re traveling around the world with teammates. You can also play ​Codenames​, a knockoff of ​Cards Against Humanity​ or ​Othello​ online with friends! (A minute to learn, a lifetime to hear trash talk.) Here are some really ​big​ ​lists​ of online versions of nearly any game.

Best of all, go visit a sauna and strike up a conversation. ​Numerous studies​ show regular sauna use lowers the risks of heart disease, stroke and early death. Also, it’s pretty hard not to feel close to someone after you’ve been half naked while screaming “this is so hot!” together. (You can find a local sauna ​here​ or ​here​ or ​here​.)

Okay, but I need to get some work done. And it’s harder in the winter. What should I do?

First, it’s important to ​work with your body’s natural energy rhythms​, instead of fighting them. ​Numerous studies​ show we’re more focused and less stressed when do our most demanding work during high-energy hours, and let ourselves rest when our energy ebbs. (And if you don’t know your energy rhythms, ​here’s a site​ to help you figure out your individual ‘chronotype’.)

Next, you need a system to create structure (especially when you’re homebound). Some of the most popular are the ​Pomodoro Technique​ and ​Time Blocking​. To make those burst most productive, consider ​task batching​ by grouping similar tasks (emails, errands, admin work, creative brainstorming), so you avoid the mental exhaustion of jumping between activities.

Finally, seek out cleanliness and sunlight. It’s okay to do the dishes before you start writing that memo — ​the cleaning, in fact, is part of the writing process​. And it’s great to move your desk next to a window (or use a mirror to bounce light around). Researchers found that when people have more ​daylight exposure​ their circadian rhythms stay more aligned — and so they fall asleep earlier, wake up with more energy, and report better moods and vitality.

Finally, if you’re looking for something to read as you stay cozy inside, let me recommend two new books by some of my favorite authors! ​Flourish: The Art of Building Meaning, Joy, and Fulfillment​ by Daniel Coyle (author of The Culture Code) is all about how to have a better, more meaningful life (even when it’s dark outside) and ​The Other Side of Change: Who We Become When Life Makes Other Plans​ by cognitive scientist Maya Shankar explores how we become stronger — and often happier — when life serves up unexpected upheaval.

What’s the weather like where you live? Have any trees exploded from the cold? What’s your favorite indoor activity on a snowy day? Let us know ​in the comments​!

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If you enjoyed my books, please consider ​writing a review.​ (They work!)

Resolutions? We don’t need no stinking resolutions!

The best resolutions don’t focus on a goal, but rather ​a process​. (So instead of I’m going to lose 20 pounds!, set a plan: I’m going to run twice a week!) The outcome matters less than the activity. (Running once around the block counts.)

If you’re struggling, it might be that you need to give yourself ​more options​. Our brains get binary very quickly (if I run 3 miles, I’m great; if I run 1.5, I’m a loser). The solution is expanding the menu of choices (if I run 3 miles, or lift weights for 20 minutes, or learn to cook a soufflé, then I’m awesome).

So come up ​with a list​ of, say, 26 things you want to achieve in 2026. That way, you don’t have to exercise every day because today is a cooking day (#28: perfect my omelette flip). Motivation is easier to generate when we feel in control.

Lastly, studies indicate one of the most effective strategies is a ​”nudge word”​: a word or phrase that captures the mindset you want, that you can whisper when you feel yourself slipping. (Some good ones: “Excellence, not perfection” or “Any amount is better than none.” Here’s a ​nudge word generator​.)

But what about when it gets hard? I’m already sick of exercising.

First off, make sure you don’t have too many plans all at once: Focus on ​one aspiration at a time​ — more is misery.

And don’t aim too high (at least initially). Studies show that when we set an ​audacious goal​ and then fall short, it lowers our mood, self-esteem, and motivation. Instead, take advantage of the ​science of small wins​: choose a small achievement — and let the motivation of easy success carry you to bigger plans.

Finally, there’s nothing special about January: But there is something special about a date you decide is special (like January 1). So set a ​​”calendar of catalysts”​​ where each month you choose a special day, and a ritual, to celebrate your victories, change what’s not working, and renew your determination.

If you start small, and give yourself choices, you’ll be exercising on auto-pilot by March.

What about other people? Should I make my spouse run with me?

If you can, yes! It’s only recently that New Year’s resolutions became solo acts. They were ​once communal​, tied to rituals that emphasized shared well-being. It’s much easier to change in the company of others.

So tell people about your January plan! But who you tell matters: A ​series of studies​ found we’re more likely to follow through if we share our intentions with someone we look up to, like a mentor, teacher, or someone we admire. (I email Barack Obama with my plans every January. Really. He has never emailed back.)

Finally, it’s okay to change your intentions. In fact, it’s ​essential​. See January as an experiment. You’re testing what works and what doesn’t — and wise scientists know that when an experiment doesn’t work, it isn’t failure. It’s learning.

So, set a small goal, like avoiding email until 10 am, or ​reading instead of doomscrolling​, or deciding to focus on the process, rather than the outcome. And if something isn’t working, that’s okay. There’s another month coming up.

What are your January plans? How do you keep yourself motivated? Let me know in the comments!

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The Times Square Ball Drop once had a practical use

Times Square’s famous New Year’s Eve ball drop traces back to a ​19th-century navigation tool​: The “time ball,” invented to help sailors set their ship chronometers accurately from a distance. In 1829, British Royal Navy officer Robert Wauchope used a highly visible ball that was raised and then dropped at an exact moment so ships in port could synchronize their clocks without sending someone ashore. From there, time balls spread to ports worldwide, including New York in 1907, where it was adopted when Times Square needed a replacement for banned fireworks.

Times Square drops roughly ​3,000 pounds of confetti​ at midnight. Organizers do a public “confetti test” beforehand, which is messy, and some of the confetti comes from the “Wishing Wall” where people write their wishes on slips of paper that are then blown all over the city, to be picked up by confused residents.

There are A LOT of New Year’s traditions

Everyone knows about the kiss at midnight. But were you aware you also should eat ​12 grapes​? (In Spain, those pieces of fruit are believed to bring 12 months of prosperity.) In Latin America, people take their ​empty suitcases on a run​ around the block to ensure good travel in the coming year. Or, if you’re in the American South, you’re probably eating some ​black-eyed peas and greens​: the peas symbolize coins, leafy greens represent paper money, and cornbread often stands in for gold, becoming an edible wish for prosperity.

In Japan, the New Year is tied to ​osechi ryori​: lacquered boxes filled with sweet black soybeans for health and diligence, herring or salmon roe for fertility and golden chestnut mash for wealth and prosperity.

In Italy, people wear ​red underwear​ on New Year’s Eve. In the Philippines, they wear ​polka dots​ (though, not so much on their underwear. Mostly in other places.) And in Greece, everyone takes turns ​stomping on a pomegranate​ until it breaks into thirteen pieces — which brings good luck to each month, plus a little extra for trying to wash out the pomegranate juice from your shoes and pants.

Actually, no one really knows when the New Year starts

January 1 hasn’t always marked the start of the year. In ancient Rome, the ​new year began in March​ with the return of spring. It wasn’t until 45 B.C. that Julius Caesar, through the Julian calendar, officially moved the new year to January 1, partly because that’s when new government officials took office.

And, weirdly, the first day of the year is ​25 hours long​. Because the international date line marks where each day begins and ends, and because the line zigzags across the Pacific to match borders (where there are 38 local time standards, including half-hour and 45-minute offsets), it all adds up to taking about 25 hours for all inhabited places to finish the year’s first “day.” Christmas Island is usually the first place to welcome in a new year, while the last inhabited places are Niue and American Samoa.

And if you want to take more vacation this year, you’re in luck. You can stretch ​11 PTO days into 41 days off​ in 2026, if you plan it correctly.

How did you spend your New Year’s? What big exciting plans do you have for 2026! What wish would you write on a piece of Times Square confetti? Let me know in the comments!

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1. Is it true Christmas was once a criminal event?

Christmas is not the most important holiday in the Christian calendar. It doesn’t even make the top five. In fact, the Puritans once made celebrating Christmas a criminal offense (anyone skipping work or putting up decorations was arrested or possibly beaten), and in Massachusetts, the holiday was labeled a “pagan abomination” until 1681.

In the 1800s, however, merchants began realizing it would be nice if they could force people to leave their homes and buy stuff during the colder months. So they lobbied Charles Dickens to write a story about Christmas ghosts, and promised to buy ads in magazines that publicized Santa. And, voila, Christmas — and Christmas shopping — was born.

2. Was Santa inspired by psychedelic shrooms?

One popular theory holds the concept of Santa Claus was inspired by the Sámi people (Europe’s only recognized indigenous group) when, centuries ago, Sámi leaders would use Amanita Muscaria mushrooms — known for their festive red and white caps, and powerful hallucinogenic properties — during religious ceremonies. Because these leaders often dressed in red, and the Sámi people had domesticated reindeer, some researchers figured: Santa! (Sámi scholars say that Sámi winter traditions were actually grim rituals meant to ward off a dangerous spirit called the stállu, which sounds like less fun.)

3. Okay, this is getting weird. I love Santa. I don’t have to worry about some dark underbelly of St. Nick, right?

Wrong. Santa’s into all kinds of strange. In America, he’s known as a jolly figure who breaks into children’s homes to steal baked goods. But elsewhere, Santa is more like an overweight Batman. In Austria and Germany, he battles Krampus, who kidnaps and beats naughty children. In mid-Europe he fights Perchta, a ‘fearsome hag’ who disembowels lazy children. Icelandic tots leave out cookies for the Yule Cat, which eats anyone who doesn’t wear new clothes for the holiday. And then there’s the Belsnickel, beloved among Brazilians, the Pennsylvania Dutch and Dwight Schrute, who might give you a piece of candy or might beat you with a tree branch, depending on how it feels. (And thereby offering children some very confusing moral lessons.)

4. But the presents! Everyone loves presents! What does science say about which presents are best?

When surveyors ask people about the best gifts they ever received, the replies are surprisingly consistent: The most treasured presents are personal gestures that show deep attention. For instance, handwritten lists of memories, handmade cards, framed photographs or a recording of a loved one sharing a story all rank high. (Here’s a book that makes doing all that easier.) People also fondly remember gifts that are nicer than something they would buy ourselves, like a great coffee maker we would love to own (but would feel guilty purchasing for ourself). Or, if you are feeling really extravagant, you can give someone a giant gorilla statute that doubles as a comfortable seat. (On sale for just $2,999!)

Or, of course, you could always give away wonderful books on habits or communication.

5. What are the worst presents?

Oh, there’s lots of terrible presents out there:

• “For a Secret Santa at work, I got a used candle.”

• ​“A scale, from my now ex-husband.”​

• “A box of menstrual pads. The old-fashioned ones that attach front and back to a special type of belt.”

• “Last year my mother gave me an illustrated guide to building tree houses. I’m 40.”

• “A CD player. I’m deaf.”

6. What was the most expensive Christmas present ever?

In 2010, the government of Abu Dhabi gave Dubai a 43 foot tall Christmas tree adorned with 181 pieces of jewelry. The estimated value of the baubles was over $11 million.

Although this was certified by Guinness World Records as “The Most Expensive Christmas Tree In History”, it’s a bit odd, since both the giver and the recipient are Muslim nations. Also, the tree basically looked like ... a big tree. (Jewels, it turns out, don’t stand out much when arranged on enormous branches.)

7. Okay. Christmas can be strange. But it’s a wonderful time to see friends and family. How do we spice that up?

White Elephant chaos can be great. But another alternative is musical-chairs gift exchange, where everyone sits in a circle with a wrapped gift, passes it along as music plays, and then keeps whatever they’re holding when the music stops. It is absolutely guaranteed that your seven year-old nephew will get grandma’s new nightgown.

Alternately, you can prove to your younger relatives how “hip” and “with it” you are by jumping on some TikTok trends. One is the “Immersive Warmup” challenge, where everyone has to follow the instructions in a slightly psychotic video to receive their gifts (very popular among tweens and people enthusiastic about Santa’s psychedelic origins). There’s also the “Say the Word Beat” challenge where you shout out words on a confusing video while teaching your kids about the Stroop Effect (less psychotic, more fun, certain to eventually drive parents crazy.)

And, if all else fails, you can also watch the Greatest Christmas Movie Of All Time. (“Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.”)

I hope, no matter where you are or what holidays you celebrate, that you have a wonderful, relaxing and restorative end of the year. We’ll be back soon with more newsletters. I’d love to hear about your winter plans — just hit reply, and I promise I’ll read what you send.

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Relaxation is an active state.

Trying to relax by seeking stillness doesn’t often work. We need to do something to relax. That’s because our brains are constantly traveling the continuum between “fight-or-flight” (that feeling in your stomach when an unwelcome email arrives), and “rest and digest” parasympathetic activation (which emerges, for instance, watching your favorite TV show while half-asleep).

To relax, nothingness usually won’t bring calm. Rather, we need to push away stress triggers (which, sneakily, might pop up in a fast-paced TV show, or the endless scroll of social media), and instead seek out feelings of safety, (such as taking a deep breath, or doing something that makes us feel in control, or triggers a flow state).

That’s why reading a book is often relaxing: Our brain shifts into a focused, trance-like state similar to meditation. It’s also why exercise often helps us unwind: It gives us a sense of agency, and releases neurotransmitters associated with contentedness.

So, if you want to relax, have a plan. Start by asking yourself: What makes me feel safe? (A full stomach? A quiet room? A Netflix comedy?) And what causes slight tension? (A horror movie? Doom scrolling? Thinking about tomorrow’s meeting?) Then, create a relaxation plan that increases the safety and decreases the stress. (Tonight, I’m watching The Office, eating pasta and putting my phone in another room.)

The noises around you — and the sounds you make — can invite calm.

A series of studies found that certain kinds of noisemaking – like humming – can trigger relaxation. (Bhramari breathing involves inhaling deeply through the nose and exhaling slowly with a continuous, low-pitched humming sound, like there’s a bee in your throat. The oxygenation of deep breathing causes your muscles to relax, and the vibrations of the “m” sound activate the vagus nerve and parasympathetic nervous system.) Humming for just 60 to 120 seconds can bring down your heart rate and cortisol, and improve sleep and emotional control.

Or, seek silence. Removing background pings, phone alerts and cubicle chatter has been shown to lower blood pressure and trigger neurons associated with better focus. (Noise cancelling headphones are fairly cheap.)

Best of all, take a nap. Numerous studies show closing your eyes for just 10 to 20 minutes triggers ‘recovery neurotransmitters’ that make us feel refreshed. (A cup of coffee when you wake – a ‘nappuccino’ – multiplies the benefits.)

Finally, wash your sheets: Clean, crisp sheets can trigger a sense of order and peacefulness. Studies show that people who wash their sheets more frequently sleep better.

Screens are fine. It’s what’s on them that matters.

We’ve been told that screens are terrible. But the real disruptor isn’t a screen’s blue light, it’s what you’re doing on your screen. Interactive, emotionally charged activities — like gaming, scrolling, shopping, or a suspenseful show — often overstimulate our brains. In contrast, familiar, low-stakes content (like watching a favorite program, especially if you’ve seen it before) helps us chill.

Also don’t check your email so often: ‘Screen apnea‘ is a stress-response that occurs when we encounter an anxious interruption (why’s he emailing me at night?!) and momentarily stop breathing, or start taking shallower breaths, which pushes our nervous system into high alert. The result is a sense of depletion and exhaustion. (That’s why you feel so tired when you see that email you were dreading: Your breathing has momentarily gotten worse.)

Finally, if you must be on your screen, try watching slow, boring videos of people cooking, or cutting hair, or writing on the chalk board. For some people, this kind of stimulation, known as ASMR, triggers a tingling sensation and slows their heart rate. (Ask a teenager — they’ll tell you all about their favorite ASMRs.)

If all else fails, try a sand bath, or get overheated in a sauna, or hang out with your pet.

Lots of cultures have relaxation routines we can learn from. In Japan, sand baths are popular because the warmth and pressure of the sand, combined with the forced stillness, helps people drift off. In the Nordic countries (and California), saunas are de rigueur (Finland has more saunas than cars) because the heat and sweating triggers endorphins (and has other benefits, including heart health, pain relief and stress reduction). Or, play with your dog or cat or guinea pig: Numerous studies show that showing some love to our pets works on our brain the same way as receiving love from a human. (Just don’t do the bath and your animals simultaneously.)

How do you relax? What’s your go-to ‘chill out’ routine? Let me know!

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So, how do we actually change the world? What works? (And how do you become a U.S. Senator?)

Groups of regular people can make a huge difference.

There are thousands of examples of small groups triggering big changes. But it’s the group part that matters. So volunteer at a nearby school, or join a non-profit board, or work on a campaign, and do it with friends. It’s better to find one big issue you care about, rather than lots of small causes. It’s best to start local — that way, small wins help you build coalitions. And you won’t be lonely: Civic engagement is contagious — and it makes you happier. (That said, social media posts alone don’t do much.) So, find an issue you care about, join a local group (or start one), and then gather in person.

Okay, but what exactly should our group do?

First, contact your lawmakers: A relatively small number of phone calls and postcards can make a real difference. (Emails, however, tend to have less impact. It takes almost 50 digital messages to equal a face-to-face discussion.) Donating money (even small amounts) gets attention — and it is much better to ‘bundle’ your donations with people you know, so the recipient is aware there’s a coalition paying attention. Finally, get to know your neighbors (so you can call city hall together) — and, just as important, get to know your lawmaker’s neighbors, so when an issue comes up, you can ask everyone on their block to put out lawn signs. (Nothing convinces someone an issue is big like seeing that their neighborhood awash in signs.)

Should I run for office myself?

Yes! Lots of political and civic positions are part-time, and it’s relatively easy to run or get appointed. (You can find a list of your local elections here.) And, there’s lots of resources on how to run for conservatives and liberals, millennials and boomers, as well as women and veterans and immigrants and everyone in between. The first step is to ask your friends to help — and then get ask them to ask their friends to help. (A handful of volunteers can win a local race.) It doesn’t take much to get real power. (I recently had to beg a panel of local appointees to let me cut down a tree.)

This all sounds great, but I’m feeling discouraged. How do I avoid burnout and despair?

Studies show that the people who feel the most despair are often the ones who are least involved in their communities — so, if you feel bad about the world, join a group working to change it. (You’ll feel better afterwards.) Also, it’s okay to complain to your friends! (And you’ll meet new friends to commiserate with at all the rallies.) Also, it’s important to spend time with the people you are helping: You need to see your work having an impact. Finally, it’s okay to take a break! And stop caring for a day! Life is long. Humanity has faced many crises. Politics has been bleaker than today, and we survived. We will make it through — particularly if we get busy with our friends.

I’m trying something new with this newsletter - more frequent posts, broader topics. Let me know if it’s working. (It takes a bit of effort to make these missives, and I want to make sure it’s a good use of time.)

And please let me know in the comments what you are doing to improve the world, so we can all imitate you!

Researchers have found three ingredients for triggering creativity: 1. Exposure to novel stimuli (like learning something new, looking at art or taking an unfamiliar stroll); 2. Deliberate rest (letting yourself think about something else, or stretching, or having a relaxing meal); 3. And brief creativity rituals (like cleaning your desk or breathing deeply for a few minutes). Stress can be a creativity killer: One solution is giving your mind small constraints (“I’m only going to write for 10 minutes”) that lessen the pressure to do something great. However, the right kind of stress — like a fun challenge — can create ‘creative desperation’ that leads to breakthroughs. So, if you’re stuck, step outside, read something weird and sit quietly for a few minutes. Then, make your project into a game. (“How many sentences can I write while holding my breath?”)

How do I kickstart creativity? Start by going somewhere new: Nobel laureates who move multiple times in their careers do award‑winning work much earlier than peers who stay put. So visit new cities, work in new places and meet new collaborators. ‘Extreme experiences’ are also useful. One experiment found that activities like a cold plunge, a short trek over rough terrain, or a new dance class triggered seeing problems in new ways. And there’s a science to serendipity: The key is to become an ‘innovation broker’, and see creativity as an import/export game. Indulge your curiosity across unrelated domains (“how do rockets work, anyways?”) and then look for connections (“so, I build spreadsheets the same way scientists build thrusters?”) As Steve Jobs once said, “creativity is just connecting things.” (For more, I recommend chapter 7 of this book.)

People keep saying I should meditate to get creative, but I hate meditation. So do I! But the meditative rituals that spark creativity are different from chanting ‘ommmm’. They are small routines that create an ‘inspiration infrastructure’: For instance, a habit of writing down ‘idea fragments’, or describing what you’re working on to a friend, are all forms of creative meditation. This is one reason play is important: It makes testing new ideas less risky. (“I’m not sure I believe what I’m about to say, but let’s pretend I do …”)

Okay, but how do I share my creative work with other people? (I’m scared they’ll judge me.) That’s a totally normal feeling — but sharing is often the most important step in making something. Artists who share their work earlier are more successful, and report lower fears of failure and increased confidence. To make sharing easier, schedule “failure experiments” (posting a flawed work, not doing a full edit before hitting send) to prove to yourself everything will turn out okay. And indulge self‑compassion. When fear of judgment strikes, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that can happen?” (It’s usually not very bad — and is often kind of great.) Finally, remember: People want to help you improve. (As an editor once told me, if everything I turned in was perfect, they’d be out of a job.)

What’s your favorite way to spark your creativity? Do you have any creativity rituals you use? Let me know in the comments!

I hope you’ll pardon this brief interruption. I just wanted to let you know that Supercommunicators, which came out last year, is now available in paperback.

Supercommunicators has sold over 1 million copies globally, and was on the New York Times bestseller list for over 40 weeks. And I have many of you to thank for that.

In addition, I’ve recorded a new, updated audio version of The Power of Habit.

If you are looking for something to read, or listen to, I would love to spend some time with you.

I hope this isn’t too self-promotional. And thanks, so much, for all of your support - it means the world to me.

- Charles

1. Be born to a billionaire and then wait.

2. Hope your father is elected President and then #crypto4ever.

3. Do something in artificial intelligence.

For me, the first two options are already out of reach (and who needs a billion dollars, anyway?)

So how do we become experts at using and understanding AI?

If you want to learn how to use AI

… without a huge investment of time, one of the best places to start is Andrew Ng’s free course ‘AI for Everyone’. It’s just four modules, and Ng — former head of Google Brain — created it for regular people. (Learn how to use AI at home, work, and how to avoid embarrassing mistakes.) Or, you can subscribe to Wharton professor Ethan Mollick’s newsletter with tips on prompt writing, his experiments with different apps, and how to integrate AI into your life. (He offers mini-guides like Using AI Right Now.) Finally, if you’re looking for a book, I would recommend Futureproof: 9 Rules for Surviving in the Age of AI, or if you’re in the mood for a novel, Void Star.

What’s the best AI for Travel?

Nothing will plan the perfect trip — yet! — but a few sites are useful: Mindtrip is great at brainstorming and includes links to all the sites, restaurants and hotels it recommends. Google Gemini is surprisingly good at creating itineraries that figure out flight timing, hotel choices and transportation logistics. Layla is helpful at asking the right questions and refining or expanding options based on your replies. (But, unlike the others, it requires a subscription of $50 per year). And for comparing flights, kayak or google travel still work best.

What’s the best AI for Food?

ChatGPT’s library has nice options for building menus based on your diet, budget and schedule. (“Create a 5-day meal plan of dinners under 600 calories.”) And it can solve cooking problems. (“The recipe calls for 300ml of milk, but I only have 180ml.”) The key is to be specific, and to see the output as suggestions, rather than mandates. Let’s Foodie is great if you have a bunch of things in your fridge (“spinach, chicken, fried rice, sour BBQ sauce”) and want a recipe (“Thai Inspired Chicken!”). And to track what you’re eating, SnapCalorie let’s you take a picture of a meal and does a nice job of reporting calories and nutrition details.

What’s the best AI for Fitness?

I use Hevy to build workout plans — but it’s not AI. If you’re looking for something that builds custom plans, Fitbod can get as specific as you want (“give me a 15 minute beginner workout for a man that focuses on glutes and only uses dumbbells”) and has nice videos of each exercise. Freeletics gives you daily guidance from an AI coach that adapts as you use it. (Though, like all of these, it is not actually free.)

What about budgeting and money?

Honestly, you’re better off NOT using AI for tracking your finances. Studies show the best way to stay on budget is to enter details (bank totals, credit card debt, investment gains) into a spreadsheet once a week — which will force you to pay closer attention to where your money is going. I use Simplifi to get all my transactions in one place (and then input the totals into an excel spreadsheet). Monarch Money does a nice job of tracking your spending. But the key here is to avoid dashboards that are easy to read (and then forget). You want to force yourself to interact with the data.

How can I prepare for the future (and will the robots kill us)?

When researchers studied 12 million job ads in 2024, they found that AI actually increases the value of human “complementary skills” — things like teamwork, resilience, communication and digital fluency. The future of work will be humans collaborating with AI the same way we partner with colleagues. (Think of AI as a silent teammate — generating drafts, sorting data, highlighting risks — while you bring judgment, context, and knowing when to talk to the boss.) How do we get ready for that world? By learning to question artificial intelligence: People (including students) learn more when they’re asked to critique and revise AI output, rather than just accept it. (Lots of great examples for teachers here.) And though some people believe AI will destroy us, it’s unlikely. The bigger risks are human: AI being used for misinformation and surveillance, and our colleagues not learning how to use the technology to keep up with our peers.

What’s your favorite use of AI? Let me know in the comments!

The good news: We can connect, even when we disagree, even with the the people we disagree with most. That’s what has always made this nation — and this world — strongest.

If you and a friend have very different opinions, you can talk about them — and feel even closer afterward. When researchers paired people with opposing political views — but who shared a hometown, hobby, or favorite band — the conversations went much better if the participants discussed those similarities before their differences. In a heated debate, don’t harp on facts and statistics: People are more likely to listen when someone shares a personal experience. So offer a personal story — “can I tell you a little about why this matters so much to me?” — and ask for a story in return. And, finally, when someone speaks, don’t just listen — prove you are listening. There’s a technique called ‘looping for understanding’ that studies say works: Ask a question. Then repeat back — in your own words — what you heard them say. And last, ask, “did I get that right?” (There’s even a guide to help.)

How do I have tough conversations at work? First, by defining your goals (“I’m hoping we can agree on a budget we both feel good about”) and then asking the other person about their goals. If things are getting tense with a co-worker, bring in a coach: Getting a third person’s input, especially when they aren’t directly involved, can lower the temperature. If a tricky conversation is approaching, practice the questions you want to ask. Phrases like “Can we pause and come back to this?” or “Help me understand what matters most to you” are particularly helpful. And, finally, set rules: Companies with shared ground rules — like “no surprise debates in team meetings” or “ask before sending political content”— see fewer disruptions and more constructive discussions. (Here’s a guide for tough conversations at work.)

What about when I go online? When researchers analyzed thousands of Wikipedia disputes, they found that if just one person was polite — simply saying “please” or “that’s an interesting point” — conversations became much more civil. And not all online disagreement is bad: When people frame a dispute with curiosity and respect — “I’m curious what you think about my different perspective …” — it makes everyone more likely to listen. Finally, when we express gratitude (“I disagree, but that comment taught me a lot”) and hedge slightly (“I’m not certain I’m right, but …”) it transforms online dialogues.

It’s been a tough few weeks. But our proudest moments aren’t when we all agree, but when we disagree and still manage to co-exist peacefully.

The paperback version of Supercommunicators comes out later this month with tools for connecting. I’ve also created a few guides about how to have hard conversations at home, at work, and at those moments when a discussion seems toughest. I hope they help.

I’d love to hear how you have crossed the divide with someone you care about in the comments.