Rizzzzz it up like a scientist!
What is charisma? Why do some people seem to have it while others, not so much? What can I do to become more charismatic? And is it possible to impress my kids with my rizz? (Spoiler alert: No.)
What is charisma? And how do I get it?
Charisma comes from the Greek kharisma, meaning “divine gift,” which is indicative of how it was seen for most of history: A spiritual gift or power granted by God.
Today, of course, we know charisma is a learnable skill — anyone can become more charismatic. And everyone from the CIA to Harvard Business School to The Atlantic magazine has explored the formula for ‘rizz’.
Researchers say charisma has three pillars: Presence, Power, and Warmth. Presence is being fully engaged with another person (charismatic people tend to ask more questions). Power is confidence without obvious self-doubt (which is often conveyed, paradoxically, through self-effacing jokes and vulnerable disclosures). Warmth comes from showing kindness and acceptance (demonstrating empathy, in particular, is critical). Most of all, charismatic people tend to communicate in ways that feel emotional, clear, and grounded in values, not just facts.
How we talk also matters: Prosody — the musical aspects of speech’s rhythm, emphasis, and timing — are small, almost unconscious signals that listeners use to infer confidence, passion and competence. The key is variety: when our voice moves up and down an octave scale (what’s known as ‘the fundamental frequency‘), and when the pace of our words, as well as our volume, changes as we speak, others see us as worth listening to.
It’s important to remember, however, that charisma has a curvilinear effect: it helps to a point, and then starts to backfire. Among leaders, no more than 60 percent of conversations should be ‘charismatic’. Beyond that, the leader starts to seem less trustworthy or less competent.
If you want videos of charisma on display, some of the best examples are street performers, magicians, preachers and politicians (including Ronald Reagan and John F. Kennedy).
Will charisma help my love life? And make me more popular? What, specifically, should I do?
Often times, particularly in affairs of the heart, charisma means similarity.
One study looked at couples meeting for the first time and found the more people mirrored each other’s body language, energy and focus (”You love puppies? So do I!”), the more they rated each other as sexually attractive. (Simply swaying your body similarly can boost allure.) Studies show we tend to be drawn to “super-synchronizers“: People who demonstrate they are in-sync with our emotions and interests by asking follow-up questions, reflecting back the feelings they hear (”that sounds really hard”) and echoing our smiles, gestures and facial expressions.
So, if your date tells a joke, say something funny yourself. (Spontaneous humor is particularly important because it signals alluring traits like creativity and mental agility.) If your date says something emotional, respond with a disclosure of your own. (This is known as reciprocal vulnerability, and it’s at the core of how we build trust.)
In other words, stereotypical “charisma” — clever lines, dazzling confidence, practiced charm — doesn’t predict romantic attachment. Rather, showing you are attuned to another person, responding to their signals and genuinely caring about their experiences creates attraction, both during a date and in long-term relationships. (This kind of charisma is highly associated with better sex lives in marriages.)
The same skills also work on our friends. Studies show that our most ‘charismatic’ friendships are with people who engage in reciprocal candor, are enthusiastic to discuss mutual interests, and are funny. We’re most likely to be drawn to people who are emotional expressive, show genuine warmth (which earns trust and makes people feel safe), and exude positive energy.
Okay, but what about at work? How do I make my emails more persuasive? How should I rizz up meetings?
Pay attention to spam. Researchers say the most persuasive and charismatic emails rely on four tactics: First, they personalize the sender by emphasizing that you are a real person (”I had an idea while eating breakfast this morning”). Next, they are personalized for the recipient by mentioning shared concerns or memories. Third, they ask a question fairly early, which draws readers in. Lastly, it creates urgency. In spam, this means clichés like “Hurry!” or “Time is running out!” But in a personal email, urgency might be something like “I was hoping to get an answer by later today.”
And persuasive emails are brief. Limiting a message to just 25 to 50 words increases reply rates by up to 65%.
When it comes to meetings, studies show that most influence doesn’t occur during the gathering itself, but rather emerges before anyone enters the room. One researcher found that the most persuasive and charismatic executives always seem to know, before a meeting starts, who will support them, who might object, and what concerns need to be addressed ahead of time, usually because they have back-channeled with attendees one-on-one. (In Japan, executives are evaluated on their “nemawashi“, or “cultivating the roots,” the habit of talking to peers before a meeting and categorizing people as decision-makers, likely skeptics, or potential allies.)
When it comes to public speaking, it’s worth remembering that charisma on a stage often comes from leaning into your natural instincts. Introverts are more persuasive when their speeches focus on thoughtfulness, depth, preparation, and genuine connection. Extroverts are more charismatic when they are energetic and entertaining. If you’re nervous about speaking, the best way to prepare is to memorize your opening, choose at least one story you want to tell, and practice pausing mid-sentence, which helps when you need a moment to think about what to say next.
Hi Charles, thank you for the beautiful article that covers several important topics. I enjoyed reading every word. Did you intend the "you" to be "your" in your final questions asking for comments? Thank you again!
Such a fun read! That bit about the science of spam… that’s some candy