The science of negotiation

We negotiate all the time — with our bosses, our spouses, our kids. Not to mention buying a new car, asking for a raise, booking a hotel or signing up for the gym. So how do we come out on top?

If you come to haggle, at least come dressed for it.

The first rule of negotiating is don’t talk about you should talk about negotiating.

There have been some odd negotiations in history:

• In 193 AD the Roman Empire’s Praetorian Guard murdered the emperor and put the entire empire up for auction. A wealthy senator won by bribing the soldiers, took the throne, and then proved so unpopular he was executed 66 days later. Buyer’s remorse!

• In the early 1960s, tractor magnate Ferruccio Lamborghini complained to Enzo Ferrari that the clutch in his brand new 250 Ferrari GT was garbage. Ferrari said the real problem was that Lamborghini didn’t know how to drive, and should stick with riding animals. So Lamborghini founded a competing sports-car company that, today, rivals Ferrari in car sales.

• In 1788, Austria soldiers got into a drunken argument over a barrel of schnapps. Then one of the fueders fired a shot and somebody else confusedly yelled “Turks!” and the entire army began fighting itself for hours. Over 1000 Austrian soldiers were killed before they realized the mistake.

In each instance, a bit more preparation probably could have helped. Studies show that when people take a moment before a negotiation to set their priorities, decide when they will walk away and reflect on a time they felt powerful, they tend to perform better. Timing also matters: research shows people tend to be more generous on sunny days, and that judges tend to be more lenient in the morning after they’ve had a nice breakfast, rather than before lunch, when they’re hangry.

Even some brief small talk and pleasantries with your counterparty before a negotiation significantly increases the likelihood of reaching an agreement. And subtly mirroring the other person’s language — especially early in a negotiation — can dramatically improve the outcome: In one study, negotiators who mimicked their counterpart’s wording in the first 10 minutes earned significantly more than everyone else.

Okay, but how about when I’m buying a car?

Car negotiations are often won or lost on emotional control. Salespeople will often exaggerate their emotional reactions — acting offended or frustrated — in the hopes of triggering your emotions and making rational thought harder. It’s useful to go car shopping at the end of the month (and ideally during a rainstorm, when showrooms are empty), because a salesperson’s quota and bonus are on a ticking clock. (The last week of December is particularly great.) Be willing to walk out — and actually walk out at least once. And the “silent treatment” works: After they quote a price, just ... don’t say anything. Furrow your brow slightly. Studies show salespeople will often keep talking and start negotiating against themselves to fill the silence.

What if I’m negotiating for a raise?

Haggle early. People who negotiate a higher salary when they are hired earn an average of 18.83% more that their peers. But 55% of job candidates don’t even try. When you negotiate, ask for a precise, non-round number (like $108,750), rather than a broad range, and share your data (“I called other companies, and three employees said they earned an average of $110,000 for this role.”) Be firm in what you want, but collaborative in how you communicate it. And remember that loss aversion can work in your benefit: Once a company has made an offer, they are more psychologically motivated to avoid losing you than to save a relatively small amount of money by turning down your slightly higher ask.

And all those subscriptions? (Gym! Netflix! Phone!) Is there a way to negotiate them down?

Yes! The key is to threaten to leave. Because companies know that retaining a customer is cheaper than acquiring a new one, they’ll often discount your subscription if you just ask. When it comes to exercise, timing matters: gyms are more likely to offer discounts at the end of the month or during slower seasons like summer, when demand drops. Ask to speak with a manager, not a salesperson, since managers typically have more authority to waive fees. Finally, figure out if a subscription actually makes sense: In a study of nearly 8,000 gym members, most people chose monthly plans costing $70+ but only went about 4.8 times per month, effectively paying $17 per visit — when it would have cost them just $10 per visit if they paid a la carte.

And travel? Any way to get cheaper rooms?

Hotel negotiations are less about “haggling” and more about how and when you ask. First, find the best rate at discount sites online — but then make the reservation directly with the hotel and demand they match the online price and throw in perks like late check-out. (Hotels make significantly more money when you book with them directly, so they have more incentive to bargain.) And remember timing matters: call before 11:00, when check-outs get busy, or after 6:00, when check-ins slow down, so you can cajole the front desk staff when they’re not overwhelmed. Those staffs usually have the most price flexibility the day before or day of check-in, when they are motivated to fill empty rooms. And, lastly, studies show politeness is a powerful tactic: the staff isn’t pocketing the profits, and so if you’re friendly, you’re more likely to get a discount.

(Also, it turns out you can negotiate over furniture prices and here’s a few tactics for haggling about your medical bills.)

How do I negotiate at home? Like, with my spouse?

In a marriage, emotions and long-term stakes are always in play, and so the best negotiation stance is to frame issues as shared problems to solve, rather than a fight with winners and losers. Marriage therapists say there’s a structure for this: Let each person fully express their concerns without interruption, then the other person reflects back, and then brainstorm together solutions (rather than, say, jumping straight to compromise). And remember the “golden ratio”: When we say at least 3 positive things to every 1 negative thing, it increases trust and makes these kinds of discussions feel a lot easier.

What about with my kids?

Teaching kids to negotiate for, say, their allowance is great: Studies show we start developing haggling instincts at about age five. But to really teach them how, model the right behavior: Focus on underlying goals, rather than specific demands (“if you refuse to wear this hat in a blizzard, what’s another way to keep your head warm?”); Ask lots of questions (“why do you think you need $100 a week? Let’s figure out how much lunch actually costs”); Let them anchor the conversation, which gives them a sense of control and also teaches the danger of anchoring too low or too high (“do you really think asking for a 1:00 am curfew makes me think it’s a good idea for you to have that much freedom?”); And talk about fairness (”why did you give yourself the chocolate cake and your brother the broccoli?“), because helping kids develop an accurate sense of fairness guides so much of what we’re willing to accept or turn down later in life.

When’s the last time you negotiated for something? Did it work? What was your best negotiation? Let us know in the comments!