How Can I Get My Kids To Talk About Their Lives?
And how do I listen so they WANT to share?
Supercommunicators has now spent six weeks on the New York Times bestseller list because of your support. Thank you so much.
If you’re interested, I’ve partnered with Porchlight Books to offer signed and personalized copies of Supercommunicators for Father’s Day and graduation gifts. Books will ship at the beginning of May, and you can order at this link.
Now, onto the fun stuff.
Reader Caitlin S. writes:
I have two teenagers at home, and I’m struggling to make conversation with them. If I ask about their days, I get one-word answers. If I ask about their social lives, I’m accused of being nosy. I just want a normal conversation around the dinner table. Help!
As one study put it, “the most important factor in the mental health of adolescent children is the quality of the relationship with their caregivers,” and, in particular, the conversations they have with us.
So what does science say about how to connect?
The key is to help your child share control of the conversation.
Tip One: Let them be experts
As parents, our instinct is to teach: We offer instructions (“flash cards will help you study!”) ask leading questions (“what lesson did we learn from locking ourself outside?”) and share knowledge (“when I was trying to make friends in middle school …”)
We are experts, and we want our kids to benefit from our expertise.
But when we let kids become experts, they learn how to think – and are more likely to share.
Asking “What do you admire about your friends?” rather than “What did you do with your friends?” invites them to share their social expertise. Instead of recommending study methods, if we ask “What kind of studying worked last time?” we help them become experts on solving their own problems.
Asking questions is key – as long as they are curious and you embrace the answers (even when they don’t match what you expected).
Tip Two: Prove you are listening (but that there are also rules)
Our kids are suspicious we’re not actually listening – rather, we’re just waiting our turn to speak.
So it’s essential that we prove we are listening (one of my favorite methods is looping for understanding: Ask a question; repeat back in your own words what you heard; ask if you got it right.)
But listening isn’t enough. Numerous studies show that our children want us to act like parents, not friends – to be both warm and responsive, but also explain life’s rules, push them to grow, give a little tough love when it’s needed.
So how do we balance listening and nudging?
The best way is to seek permission, and then talk about our own experiences.
Once you’ve looped your kid (“what I hear you saying is that Sam doesn’t act like a great friend, did I get that right?”) it’s useful to ask permission to instruct (“can I share something that happened to me in high school?”).
The key here is, in addition to letting your kid be an expert, you should share your own experiences, rather than just general lessons – and when you seek permission first, they’re more likely to listen than see it as a lecture.
Tip Three: Don’t listen too much (especially when they say they hate you)
It’s hard being a kid. It’s also hard parenting! (I have two teens at home.) So when they tell you that they hate you, you are ruining their lives, and they will never speak to you again, just recall: They won’t even remember saying it 30 minutes later.
Let me know how you get your kids to talk in the comments! And, if you’re looking for something to dull the pain, let me suggest this new over-the-counter solution:
Two additional things often worked for me. First, getting my daughter moving always helped when I knew that she was struggling. Going for a hike, a bike ride, canoeing, cooking together or some other side-by-side or tandem physical activity would often open her up. Once she started, things would just spill out. Second, the side-by-side or tandem part seems important close but not face to face. When she is stuck, the face-to-face direct approach often seemed to be too much. Driving to and from school was often a time when she would open up.
My teen boys were not communicators at any age. When my oldest was 4, he refused to tell us anything that went on in kindergarten, in a very teenage-like way. I guess he was ahead of his time. But we just ended up making light of it and staying open as parents to whenever the kids would decide they wanted to talk. My husband and boys are very science-based (physics, math, engineering) and so a lot of their conversations were about science things. They could bond over that. Me, not so much but it was great for them. But the boys also knew that I was there for them, just by being present and listening, and they did (and still do) come to me when they want. I'll also say that a lot of conversations happened in the car - there's something about sitting side by side that seemed to make it easier for them. So hang in there. You just never know. Stay in a loving supportive listening space and be patient. (and ALWAYS make sure that your teens are well-fed! bad things happen when they are hungry....)