Two additional things often worked for me. First, getting my daughter moving always helped when I knew that she was struggling. Going for a hike, a bike ride, canoeing, cooking together or some other side-by-side or tandem physical activity would often open her up. Once she started, things would just spill out. Second, the side-by-side or tandem part seems important close but not face to face. When she is stuck, the face-to-face direct approach often seemed to be too much. Driving to and from school was often a time when she would open up.
This is a great strategy. People are more relaxed, more creative, and more open when they're in movement. Also, when you're not face-to-face, it's often easier to be open and vulnerable.
You bring up two important points. I've noticed my daughter's willingness to open up during car rides is heightened and another reason for me to have some boundaries with technology for the entirety of a car ride. Otherwise, we miss out on these opportunities to let the mind and eyes wonder, which seems to open up discussion.
My teen boys were not communicators at any age. When my oldest was 4, he refused to tell us anything that went on in kindergarten, in a very teenage-like way. I guess he was ahead of his time. But we just ended up making light of it and staying open as parents to whenever the kids would decide they wanted to talk. My husband and boys are very science-based (physics, math, engineering) and so a lot of their conversations were about science things. They could bond over that. Me, not so much but it was great for them. But the boys also knew that I was there for them, just by being present and listening, and they did (and still do) come to me when they want. I'll also say that a lot of conversations happened in the car - there's something about sitting side by side that seemed to make it easier for them. So hang in there. You just never know. Stay in a loving supportive listening space and be patient. (and ALWAYS make sure that your teens are well-fed! bad things happen when they are hungry....)
Asking if my teenagers if they're in the mood to talk before I try to launch into a conversation is helpful- "Are you in the mood to talk?" usually gets a no, but sometimes it gets a yes. I might be in the mood to hear about their day, but I'm not the only person in the conversation. The way I show them I care is by listening to what they need in the moment, not forcing them to talk to me to show I care. The way they share control is by deciding whether we have the conversation in the first place.
I also think that being able to be together in silence is important too. Too often we don't know what to say so we fill the air with words rather than just being with our kids. The car ride to school in the morning is usually quiet, finally- because I learned to shut the heck up. The last thing my 15 year old wants most days is to try to make small talk with me while he's trying to wake up and gear up for a long day.
When my son was in high school and wasn't talking I said, "You need to talk to us. We're parents and talking is how we have a relationship. We don't talk, we don't have a relationship. What part of talking doesn't work for you?" He said we always interrupted him in the middle of things. And then he said, "I'd be good if we talked for 5 minutes a day." I'm like, "Yes! I'll take 5 min a day!" So when he was sitting around I would just say, "Is this a good time?" and we would talk for 5 min. And sometimes that 5 min turned into 20 min, or even 2 or 3 hours. He wanted to talk, but it had to be on his terms. Now he's off at college and he is always the one to inititate conversations, on Facetime, and they often last 2 hours. Pretty cool. As Charles says, they need the control.
I have twins, one boy one girl. Now about to graduate from high school. I must admit the last 1-2 years have been rough, especially with my son. School has been demanding and stressful for both, so that is another factor.
The most important insight has been to really understand when they want to have a conversation and when they would rather be left alone in their social media world!
Be there for them, always, no matter what. Hug them frequently and tell them you love them (sincerely and not just for the sake of it). Tell them that you believe in them and they can come to you anytime for anything they want.
Praise them often but when it is real - they can sense fake praise very easily.
Set some (not more than 2-3) basic rules. Stick to them so they know where the line is.
I think a lot of communication with teenagers is non verbal. It is more about letting them feel you truly love them and believe in them completely.
There is no magic answer and I don’t claim to have figured it out!
I just finished reading your book. It has given me a lot to think about and practice.
Thanks for your hard work to create this wonderful gift for all of us.
Great post, Charles. I teach Parenting You Teens and Parenting Your College Kids and this question comes up all the time. This year, I did a whole lesson using your book. Loved it! In addition to yours and the great advice below, I like to add that you also need to know the rhythms of your child. I found my teens really liked to talk on their own time, and for all three of them, their ideal time was just as I was ready to head to bed. You really do get the best talks late at night. Also, be interested in what they are interested in, even if you have to fake it. Example - How's your fantasy football team doing? make any good trades lately? What's your "YouTuber" being talking about lately? I love Toni Morrison's advice -"Do your eyes light up when they walk in the room." It builds a connection and presence that will be an invitation to conversation when your kids want to talk.
My daughter just turned 18, and we are like best friends. I have always treated her as an equal. I bond with her over things she likes, like music (it helps that we like the same type 😂).
I think the biggest thing that made a difference is my interest in her generation as a whole. Learning their lingo and letting her explain it to me, learning about their humor and thought patterns. All of that has led to some seriously deep conversations. And as a Gen X, learning about Gen Z keeps me young and open minded and helps my daughter in a similar way.
What I love about our relationship is that there are times when I'll be in my office and she'll just come and sit with me and do her thing while I work. Just to be in the same room with me.
Two additional things often worked for me. First, getting my daughter moving always helped when I knew that she was struggling. Going for a hike, a bike ride, canoeing, cooking together or some other side-by-side or tandem physical activity would often open her up. Once she started, things would just spill out. Second, the side-by-side or tandem part seems important close but not face to face. When she is stuck, the face-to-face direct approach often seemed to be too much. Driving to and from school was often a time when she would open up.
I love the moving idea. It's so much easier to talk when there's something to distract you. I'm going to start doing this more with my kids.
This is a great strategy. People are more relaxed, more creative, and more open when they're in movement. Also, when you're not face-to-face, it's often easier to be open and vulnerable.
You bring up two important points. I've noticed my daughter's willingness to open up during car rides is heightened and another reason for me to have some boundaries with technology for the entirety of a car ride. Otherwise, we miss out on these opportunities to let the mind and eyes wonder, which seems to open up discussion.
My teen boys were not communicators at any age. When my oldest was 4, he refused to tell us anything that went on in kindergarten, in a very teenage-like way. I guess he was ahead of his time. But we just ended up making light of it and staying open as parents to whenever the kids would decide they wanted to talk. My husband and boys are very science-based (physics, math, engineering) and so a lot of their conversations were about science things. They could bond over that. Me, not so much but it was great for them. But the boys also knew that I was there for them, just by being present and listening, and they did (and still do) come to me when they want. I'll also say that a lot of conversations happened in the car - there's something about sitting side by side that seemed to make it easier for them. So hang in there. You just never know. Stay in a loving supportive listening space and be patient. (and ALWAYS make sure that your teens are well-fed! bad things happen when they are hungry....)
I completely agree. Car rides are ESSENTIAL. If we didn't have that side-by-side time, I would know nothing about my kids' lives.
Asking if my teenagers if they're in the mood to talk before I try to launch into a conversation is helpful- "Are you in the mood to talk?" usually gets a no, but sometimes it gets a yes. I might be in the mood to hear about their day, but I'm not the only person in the conversation. The way I show them I care is by listening to what they need in the moment, not forcing them to talk to me to show I care. The way they share control is by deciding whether we have the conversation in the first place.
I also think that being able to be together in silence is important too. Too often we don't know what to say so we fill the air with words rather than just being with our kids. The car ride to school in the morning is usually quiet, finally- because I learned to shut the heck up. The last thing my 15 year old wants most days is to try to make small talk with me while he's trying to wake up and gear up for a long day.
This is a great idea! I'm going to try it today! (I'll let you know how it goes.)
Please do! :)
When my son was in high school and wasn't talking I said, "You need to talk to us. We're parents and talking is how we have a relationship. We don't talk, we don't have a relationship. What part of talking doesn't work for you?" He said we always interrupted him in the middle of things. And then he said, "I'd be good if we talked for 5 minutes a day." I'm like, "Yes! I'll take 5 min a day!" So when he was sitting around I would just say, "Is this a good time?" and we would talk for 5 min. And sometimes that 5 min turned into 20 min, or even 2 or 3 hours. He wanted to talk, but it had to be on his terms. Now he's off at college and he is always the one to inititate conversations, on Facetime, and they often last 2 hours. Pretty cool. As Charles says, they need the control.
These are excellent tips. Thanks for sharing.
I have twins, one boy one girl. Now about to graduate from high school. I must admit the last 1-2 years have been rough, especially with my son. School has been demanding and stressful for both, so that is another factor.
The most important insight has been to really understand when they want to have a conversation and when they would rather be left alone in their social media world!
Be there for them, always, no matter what. Hug them frequently and tell them you love them (sincerely and not just for the sake of it). Tell them that you believe in them and they can come to you anytime for anything they want.
Praise them often but when it is real - they can sense fake praise very easily.
Set some (not more than 2-3) basic rules. Stick to them so they know where the line is.
I think a lot of communication with teenagers is non verbal. It is more about letting them feel you truly love them and believe in them completely.
There is no magic answer and I don’t claim to have figured it out!
I just finished reading your book. It has given me a lot to think about and practice.
Thanks for your hard work to create this wonderful gift for all of us.
Great post, Charles. I teach Parenting You Teens and Parenting Your College Kids and this question comes up all the time. This year, I did a whole lesson using your book. Loved it! In addition to yours and the great advice below, I like to add that you also need to know the rhythms of your child. I found my teens really liked to talk on their own time, and for all three of them, their ideal time was just as I was ready to head to bed. You really do get the best talks late at night. Also, be interested in what they are interested in, even if you have to fake it. Example - How's your fantasy football team doing? make any good trades lately? What's your "YouTuber" being talking about lately? I love Toni Morrison's advice -"Do your eyes light up when they walk in the room." It builds a connection and presence that will be an invitation to conversation when your kids want to talk.
My daughter just turned 18, and we are like best friends. I have always treated her as an equal. I bond with her over things she likes, like music (it helps that we like the same type 😂).
I think the biggest thing that made a difference is my interest in her generation as a whole. Learning their lingo and letting her explain it to me, learning about their humor and thought patterns. All of that has led to some seriously deep conversations. And as a Gen X, learning about Gen Z keeps me young and open minded and helps my daughter in a similar way.
What I love about our relationship is that there are times when I'll be in my office and she'll just come and sit with me and do her thing while I work. Just to be in the same room with me.