How Do I Make Friends as an Adult?
Or restart a relationship? Or make someone like me? Social mysteries explained (by science)!
The formula for friendship is Time + Boredom + Self-Delusion. It usually takes 43 to 60 hours to become friends, and 80 to 100 hours to become really close. So plan lots of ‘empty’ time together (remember all those college hang-outs?). Silent time can be important - see a ballgame together, take a long hike, or just watch TV side-by-side. And simply assume the other person wants to be your friend: When we believe someone likes us (even if we’re wrong), we naturally act warmer and more open towards them— which, in turn, causes them to like us more.
How do I restart a relationship after falling out of touch? We assume it will be awkward - but people consistently underestimate how happy the other person is to hear from us. Do warm-up exercises: people who send a quick message to a current friend are 50% more likely to contact an old friend afterward. (So send a text now!) And it’s okay if conversations are clunky at first (or you forget their spouse’s name) - within just a few minutes, you’ll be reminiscing about that all-nighter you pulled.
To maintain friendships: reply quickly, celebrate good news and apologize easily. The faster our response times to emails, texts and calls, the more connected we feel towards each other. (So send a quick emoji if there’s no time to type.) When someone tells us good news - like they’ve been promoted, or won the lottery - respond with genuine excitement, which strengthens trust and closeness. And if you screwed up, remember there’s a formula for apologizing: (1) Express remorse (“I’m sorry”); (2) Take responsibility (“this is my fault”); (3) Offer to repair the damage (“how can I make this up to you?”); (4) And promise it won’t happen again. The tension will melt faster than you think.
Who is the best friend you’ve made as an adult? How’d you meet them? Tell us in the comments! (And then send them a note! Or forward this email to a long-lost friend!)
I am now 72 years old and have made 2 close friends within the last 5 years. I met both men while attending services at my synagogue. One is the cantor, a brilliant man who not only sings beautifully but has composed much of the liturgical music performed in Conservative Synagogues (including the music in Steven Spielberg’s “Shoah” documentary). He is a renaissance man whose interests extend far beyond Judaism (free will, AI, astrophysics to list a few). We have dinner together about once a month. The other man is a retired lawyer, who I was acquainted with professionally before I retired. He too is a sage observer of life, even though our political views diverge often. How lucky am I?
Hey! I’m a journalist and author. I just wrote a book called MODERN FRIENDSHIP, in which I explain the modern friendship paradox: that it's never been easier to connect with our friends, but in practice, we rarely do.
I wrote about it for the Washington Post <https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2024/06/04/friendship-friends-language-communication/>
These are some reasons why this is:
1. Loneliness: We live in a society that resembles a spoke (think: a bicycle wheel). We have many friends from different parts of our lives, but they only share a common history with us, not each other.
2. Effort: We have flexibility with who we can befriend, but the burden of keeping those friendships active rests on each individual. Most of us don't have help from an institution (a school, a church) to keep our friendships afloat.
3. Desire: Every friendship needs a clear and compelling ABOUT so both people remain invested. Friendship ABOUTS can change, become outdated or be absent.
My reporting has appeared in the NYT, The Atlantic, TIME, Washington Post, and more. Here’s more about me and my work here: https://annagoldfarb.com/