I am now 72 years old and have made 2 close friends within the last 5 years. I met both men while attending services at my synagogue. One is the cantor, a brilliant man who not only sings beautifully but has composed much of the liturgical music performed in Conservative Synagogues (including the music in Steven Spielberg’s “Shoah” documentary). He is a renaissance man whose interests extend far beyond Judaism (free will, AI, astrophysics to list a few). We have dinner together about once a month. The other man is a retired lawyer, who I was acquainted with professionally before I retired. He too is a sage observer of life, even though our political views diverge often. How lucky am I?
Hey! I’m a journalist and author. I just wrote a book called MODERN FRIENDSHIP, in which I explain the modern friendship paradox: that it's never been easier to connect with our friends, but in practice, we rarely do.
1. Loneliness: We live in a society that resembles a spoke (think: a bicycle wheel). We have many friends from different parts of our lives, but they only share a common history with us, not each other.
2. Effort: We have flexibility with who we can befriend, but the burden of keeping those friendships active rests on each individual. Most of us don't have help from an institution (a school, a church) to keep our friendships afloat.
3. Desire: Every friendship needs a clear and compelling ABOUT so both people remain invested. Friendship ABOUTS can change, become outdated or be absent.
My reporting has appeared in the NYT, The Atlantic, TIME, Washington Post, and more. Here’s more about me and my work here: https://annagoldfarb.com/
I recently came across Trevor Noah’s interview, which emphasized the significance of maintaining friendships and not neglecting them in favor of a significant other. I’ve made similar mistakes and have paid dearly for my choices. It’s not advisable to put all your eggs in one basket, whether it’s a marital or parental relationship. Diverse perspectives contribute to more accurate decision-making and problem-solving. Trevor mentioned some studies suggesting that having a friend to vent to about your partner can strengthen a marriage or relationship. I also read that men often struggle to form friendships later in life, while women tend to have an easier time doing so. Interestingly, women with strong support networks are less likely to be abused and nor stay in volatile relationships.
We recently saw "Join or Die" - the film about Robert Putnam's "Bowling Alone" book and research on the decline of clubs and the like and it's a GREAT prod to getting out and making relationships. https://www.joinordiefilm.com/
Over 13 years ago, when doing my PhD in my 30s, already feeling so isolated, I then moved to a new country not speaking the language and found i was even more isolated than before. I recall spending alot of time preoccupied with this question of how do I make new friends as an adult. A few years went by and having a child changed everything. Becoming a parent my kid brokered conversations with other parents and a whole new world cracked open unexpectedly. What I like about your article is it reminds me the importance of how to be a better friend. Like much in life, its a practice.
Thank you! I wonder if you're aware of the Redeeming Babel program on bridging political gaps among Christians. It's readily applicable to non-Christians as well. I watched part of a zoom conversation recently, and just read the sample of their free After Party video course for individuals and groups. https://redeemingbabel.org/the-after-party/free-course/ -- I got a great deal from doing the exercise in the sample, which inspired some specific actions I want to take to reach out to family, friends, and neighbors and further develop relationships, which will lead to more friendships. https://redeemingbabel.org/
These are great suggestions! The sending of a quick thinking of you text goes such a long way. I have rekindled a couple of childhood friendships by reaching out and just relaying that I was thinking of them.
I met two of my closest (and most supportive) friends through improv. There is such joy and play involved in the art and, when done well, requires vulnerability. These elements have been helpful in forming relationships that are both deep and delightful.
I am now 72 years old and have made 2 close friends within the last 5 years. I met both men while attending services at my synagogue. One is the cantor, a brilliant man who not only sings beautifully but has composed much of the liturgical music performed in Conservative Synagogues (including the music in Steven Spielberg’s “Shoah” documentary). He is a renaissance man whose interests extend far beyond Judaism (free will, AI, astrophysics to list a few). We have dinner together about once a month. The other man is a retired lawyer, who I was acquainted with professionally before I retired. He too is a sage observer of life, even though our political views diverge often. How lucky am I?
Hey! I’m a journalist and author. I just wrote a book called MODERN FRIENDSHIP, in which I explain the modern friendship paradox: that it's never been easier to connect with our friends, but in practice, we rarely do.
I wrote about it for the Washington Post <https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2024/06/04/friendship-friends-language-communication/>
These are some reasons why this is:
1. Loneliness: We live in a society that resembles a spoke (think: a bicycle wheel). We have many friends from different parts of our lives, but they only share a common history with us, not each other.
2. Effort: We have flexibility with who we can befriend, but the burden of keeping those friendships active rests on each individual. Most of us don't have help from an institution (a school, a church) to keep our friendships afloat.
3. Desire: Every friendship needs a clear and compelling ABOUT so both people remain invested. Friendship ABOUTS can change, become outdated or be absent.
My reporting has appeared in the NYT, The Atlantic, TIME, Washington Post, and more. Here’s more about me and my work here: https://annagoldfarb.com/
I recently came across Trevor Noah’s interview, which emphasized the significance of maintaining friendships and not neglecting them in favor of a significant other. I’ve made similar mistakes and have paid dearly for my choices. It’s not advisable to put all your eggs in one basket, whether it’s a marital or parental relationship. Diverse perspectives contribute to more accurate decision-making and problem-solving. Trevor mentioned some studies suggesting that having a friend to vent to about your partner can strengthen a marriage or relationship. I also read that men often struggle to form friendships later in life, while women tend to have an easier time doing so. Interestingly, women with strong support networks are less likely to be abused and nor stay in volatile relationships.
We recently saw "Join or Die" - the film about Robert Putnam's "Bowling Alone" book and research on the decline of clubs and the like and it's a GREAT prod to getting out and making relationships. https://www.joinordiefilm.com/
Thanks for the recommendation
Over 13 years ago, when doing my PhD in my 30s, already feeling so isolated, I then moved to a new country not speaking the language and found i was even more isolated than before. I recall spending alot of time preoccupied with this question of how do I make new friends as an adult. A few years went by and having a child changed everything. Becoming a parent my kid brokered conversations with other parents and a whole new world cracked open unexpectedly. What I like about your article is it reminds me the importance of how to be a better friend. Like much in life, its a practice.
Thank you! I wonder if you're aware of the Redeeming Babel program on bridging political gaps among Christians. It's readily applicable to non-Christians as well. I watched part of a zoom conversation recently, and just read the sample of their free After Party video course for individuals and groups. https://redeemingbabel.org/the-after-party/free-course/ -- I got a great deal from doing the exercise in the sample, which inspired some specific actions I want to take to reach out to family, friends, and neighbors and further develop relationships, which will lead to more friendships. https://redeemingbabel.org/
I have a strong aversion towards "reply quickly"
These are great suggestions! The sending of a quick thinking of you text goes such a long way. I have rekindled a couple of childhood friendships by reaching out and just relaying that I was thinking of them.
I met one of my best friends at a writing workshop about twenty years ago.
Going to write a post on a new dear friend I made in my life in a virtual world — thanks for inspiring it.
I met two of my closest (and most supportive) friends through improv. There is such joy and play involved in the art and, when done well, requires vulnerability. These elements have been helpful in forming relationships that are both deep and delightful.