The Science of Better's Gift Guide
How to give gifts the other person will actually remember
There are literally thousands of studies showing that experiences make people happier than things. And yet, when the holidays roll around, we get inundated with gift guides recommending things, rather than experiences.
And, look, I love ridiculous gift guides as much as anyone. (Goop, in particular, is a favorite, with its “Island Rental in Fiji” for $39,500 per night.) And I love buying things for people! But, let’s be honest: Most of those gifts you spent hours choosing and then wrapping will be forgotten 60 minutes after they are unwrapped. (My pantry contains THREE unused do-it-yourself churro kits which I fail to recall I have already gifted every December.)
And so, here is a very simple (and inexpensive) guide for giving wonderful experiences your recipient (and you) will remember.
Gift One: Write someone a letter about why they are important to you.
It can be short or long. It can be poetic or straightforward. It can literally be anything - as long as you say something authentic, the other person will treasure it.
What’s more, writing this letter is great for you. One study from 2012 found that writing letters of gratitude caused letter-writers to feel happier and more satisfied with life; it decreased depression rates.
The key is: Describe one time the recipient helped you, or made you feel better. Then thank them. That’s all it takes.
Gift Two: Exercise together. (Even just a tiny bit.)
There are two behaviors that dramatically increase life-span and happiness: Physical activity and spending time with other people.
And if you combine those two things? Magic!
So, tell a friend or a family member that you are going to meet them at 4:00 on the first Wednesday of the month to take a walk together. AND THEN SHOW UP. Study after study proves that, if we want to create a new habit (like exercise), we’re more likely to do it with friends.
The key is: The commitment doesn’t have to be big. Once a month is fine. A 20-minute walk is great. (And, who knows?, maybe you’ll decide to start meeting weekly.)
Gift Three: Splurge (with time, not money).
Everyone has one thing they hate doing: Your spouse dreads folding the laundry. Your best friend gets hives when she thinks about going to the DMV. You mom hates going to the post office (or setting up software on her computer.)
So, tell them: When you have to do this terrible thing, call me, and I will do it with you. The task will go by faster and be more fun.
The key is: Remove the guilt of asking for a favor by giving a favor before they even think to ask.
Gift Four: Get intimate.
A great conversation feels wonderful. In fact, our brains are hardwired to love conversations that spark emotional closeness.
But, starting these kinds of conversations can be hard. So, cheat with science. Print up the 36 questions from “The Fast Friends Procedure” (also known as the 36 questions that lead to love), and ask and answer on a car ride or over dinner.
The key is: Ask each question, back and forth. These questions nudge us to reciprocate each others’ vulnerability and emotions.
Gift Five: The Cavaletti Doghouse by Hermès for $1,925.
Only joking. No one should ever buy this.
But, you could plan a weekend get-a-way for someone! Everyone LOVES going on a trip when someone else has done all the planning!
Tell me the best gift you ever received in the comments! And, what gifts made you feel wonderful to give?
Also, extra points for the worst gift you ever got. My personal favorite: A gift card that the giver apparently forgot he had already used.
(As a quick aside, I have an article in this week’s New Yorker about artificial intelligence, and the drama at OpenAI, if that’s your cup of tea.)
This is great and very timely. My mom passed away recently. A day before hand, my father handed me a letter and said "do you remember this?". I didn't. It turns out that it was something I had written back when I was a senior in high school, 29 years ago. I had told them that I didn't know what to get them, so I wrote to them about everything I appreciated about them, my fears, and my hopes for the future. I thank my 17 year old self for doing that. It meant so much to them that they hung onto it for nearly 30 years, with my mom re-reading it as she lay dying. It was probably the single most important physical thing I ever gave them and it cost me $0.
One of the best gifts I got as a child was a globe. Almost each night during the next year, my father and I spent half an hour quizzing each other about the capital of every country that existed then (in the 1990s), cultivating our curiosity about the world.