Can I stop worrying about the future?

How to manage 'anticipatory anxiety'

Hello all!

Reader Katie A. asks:

What should we say when someone tells you: “We need to talk about something important,” but then delays it: “when I get home.”

Is there a way to tell the person you need more information now, so you’re not distracted by anxiety? How do you manage your emotions so you can come to that conversation calm and ready?

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This is something we’ve all experienced: You receive an ambiguous (but potentially worrisome) email late at night and can’t sleep because you’re wondering what you did wrong. Or, on your way out the door, your partner says, “There’s something I need to tell you, but let’s wait until dinner,” and then you spend all day unable to think about anything else.

This is known as ‘anticipatory anxiety’, and it’s excruciating. In one study, subjects were hooked up to a machine that delivered random electric shocks. The longer they were forced to wait, the more anxious they became. (Some people began crying.)

Participants’ anxiety was so pronounced that, when the shock eventually occurred, many of them said it was a relief, because they could finally stop worrying about it. And it was never as painful as they had feared.

Anticipating pain is sometimes worse than pain itself.

So, how do we manage anticipatory anxiety?

Here are three methods research suggests:

1. Ask if you need to worry. “I’d love to wait until dinner, but can you let me know if I should be worried?” and similar questions trigger empathy – and often provide enough information to calm our anxieties.

2. Figure out what’s likely. Write down the most realistic worst-case scenario (our budget’s been cut) and best-case (I’m getting a raise!). This will help you realize that your biggest fear (I’m getting fired) isn’t all that likely.

3. Find something else to focus on. This is known as ‘detachment’, and it’s a skill anyone can learn. In another study involving electric shocks (scientists seem to really love shocking people), participants were taught to imagine a ‘special place’ with as much specificity as possible, and then recite “I feel safe and comfortable. Those emotions out there cannot reach me here. Nothing bothers me.”

It might seem preposterous to believe we can distract ourselves by whispering a phrase. And yet, that’s exactly what happened. When the electricity eventually arrived, it still hurt – but because the subjects had found something else to focus on, they noticed the pain less, and the memory of it was more fleeting.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments: How do you distract yourself when you’re feeling anxious? How do you manage your anxieties?

To becoming better,

Charles